Now and Later

I think I jinxed myself. I got so excited about being offered a job and now I'm not sure if I have it.

In the last post I said I had a meeting with the manager to discuss the details of the position. Well, I showed up and she didn't.

I ended up meeting with another manager who had no information about me, which means she didn't even know that I was offered the position.

Despite the miscommunication between the managers, she was very nice and said that i would hear from everyone about the position.

A week has gone by with no word from either manager.

I've left messages and still haven't gotten a call back yet. Even if it's just to say that there was a mix up about the job and I'm not hired, I'd still like to know what's going on.

Surprisingly, I am okay with it all.

I don't like the situation, but I'm okay with it because I've done all that I can do about it. I kept up my end of the deal, and the rest of it is out of my hands.

I will admit that I have been obsessing a little about what I possibly did wrong or could have done better, but I did catch myself and not let it take over my thoughts or effect my mood.

I can't afford to let that happen.

I've been trying to see the brighter side of it all.

With me being in school, I've been thinking that it might be for the best that I don't work this semester. It's been four years since I've taken classes and I'm still trying to get back into the swing of things. And, I applied to take another week long training course in December, so it just might be best that I don't have a job then.

Who knows.

At this point, I'm just trying to focus on the bigger picture: school and training.

A job is good for now, but the degree and certificates are good for later.

Good Things Come

I finally have a job!

Well, I have to work out the details on Friday but I was actually given a job offer!

About two weeks I received a mass email from one of the facilitator's from my CPS training about two open positions. I was one of about 30 people the email was sent to which made me think about the slim chance I had at getting the job, but I applied for the position anyway.

Tuesday I went to school early and saw a friend from CPS training who asked me if I had any job offers. I told him that I applied to that one and some others, but hadn't gotten a reply.

When I got home there was a message from the company in the mass email saying that the job was mine if I wanted it.

Hell yeah I want it!!!

I have the preliminary meeting Friday to discuss the details of the position, but the 'worry wart' in me is obsessing over the hours and workload.

Will it fit into my school schedule?
Will I have enough time to do my schoolwork?
Am I competent enough for the job?

It has been a while since I've been in the workforce, but I need this.

For my pockets and for my sanity.

I like having money and I'll be helping others, which plays a huge part in my mental health.

*sigh*

It's been a long time coming, but was worth the wait.

It's A Thin Line

Taking my own advice from my last post about being productive so that I could sleep well, I tried to tire myself out before bed last night. I did some chores around the house, but it had the opposite effect. Instead of being tired, I was too 'amped up' to sleep.

That's another problem of mine.

Finding a healthy balance between mania and depression.

I can keep myself active enough to keep the depression at bay, but then I have to not get too excited because that can lead to mania.

What the hell am I supposed to do?!

The easy answer would be to avoid the depression, but I know from experience that mania can be just as bad.

I take 5mg of Zyprexa that helps me sleep, but I'm going to add some other things to the mix before bed:

- a long, hot shower
-a cup of sleepytime tea
-relaxing music

Hopefully that will work. If it doesn't I'll just have to perfect my tightrope balancing skills.

Guilty Until Proven Innocent

Over the last few weeks I've noticed that most nights when I'm trying to fall asleep I have feelings of guilt. I feel like I've done something wrong and I'm going to get caught.

I know that I haven't stolen, or lied, cheated or hurt someone intentionally, but I still feel guilty.

I remembered a tip from some of my old therapy sessions where whenever I have an emotion that seems to come on unexpectedly, I should retrace my thoughts to get to the root of the emotion.

I've done that many nights, but I still feel guilty.

It's not the kind of guilt where I feel like I've gotten away with something I shouldn't have, but the kind of guilt where I feel like someone is going to come into my bedroom to reprimand me.

Could it be that I feel guilty about going to sleep because I haven't been as productive during the day as I should have?

I think it is, because nothing else makes sense.

I don't think I will have that problem tonight because I got a lot done today.

I just need to repeat the process from here on out.

One Step At A Time

What a day. After everything was done I realized how well I did compared to what I would've done in the past.

I got a part of my disbursement check from school (a very small part) and wanted to cash it because I have been very low on cash, but I had a problem.

My bank account was closed and I had to reapply to open it back up. In order to reopen the account I needed to pay $15 in cash.

I only had the check from school on me, no state issued photo i.d. (but I did have the phot card to have the photo taken), and no cash. I only had about 70 cents in my pocket.

Of course, the easy solutions would be to go to a check cashing joint, but they can't cash checks without a state issued phot i.d., or just wait until tomorrow to get my photo taken at the DMV.

I know this isn't a big problem but when I got home I realized that this situation would've normally sent me in a downward spiral.

I would've been cursing myself for being too stupid to not get the photo i.d. taken when I got the card in the mail, or beaten myself up for thinking that the check cashing places would've made an exception for me.

I didn't do either.

When I got home, I asked my mom for the $15 to reopen the account, and reminded myself that I should be thankful for having a mother to ask for the money.

I know these are small things, butin the past these are exactly the type of things that would've gotten me so upset to the point of taking them out on someone else.

I'm proud of myself for making progess, and even more proud that I am actually able to see the progress.

I know it's a small step, but every step takes time.

I got over this one, and now I feel like I'm ready to take on the next one.

What Is This?

What is happening to me?

I worked for two years to get my paperwork together that would allow me to go to school, and now I don't want to go.

Other than the fact that I don't feel like leaving the house and would rather lie in bed, I don't have a real reason for not going.

I should be happy to go to class because my first class will have important info for an upcoming test, and in my second class I will be given my grade from the last assignment.

And on top of that, I just had a four day weekend (I don't have class on Fridays)!

What is going on with me?

I am kind of anxious to get the night over with but at the same time I'm dreading the ride to and from school.

This happens to me too often.

I can be happy and upset or fearful about something.

As long as I've had these mixed emotion you'd think I'd know how to handle them, but I don't.
The only thing I know how to do is push through them and know that I can only deal with things I can actually control.

I know that I can't make the sub or bus come any faster, but I can be on time to make sure that I'm not late.

I know that I can't make class go any faster while I'm there, but I can stay focused to fool myself into thinking that time is moving fast.

*sigh*

I'm going to try to not worry about tonight, but that's another symptom for me. And a whole different post.

For now, I'm going to try to relax and deal with the here and now.

A Little Better

The lyrics are so appropriate for what I'm feeling now. Listen closely.

Better Late Than Never

I've been having a burst of creative energy lately. I don't know if it's because I'm actually taking part in the world around me, if it's because I've grown tired of not moving, or if it's the meds. it's most likely a combo of all three.

Being a student again has really lifted my spirits. I'm not only forced to get out of the house, but I'm doing something that is beneficial to me, which will, in turn, be beneficial to those around me.

Having been, what I feel like, immobile for so many months has given me motivation to not fall into the easy trap of depression. Since I know how I'll feel when I'm not productive, I now do what I can to stay as productive as possible.

The meds have definitely leveled me out. I'm not as aggressive or short tempered as I was pre-meds. I'm also not as paranoid and anxious either.

The part that worries me now is that I'll get too happy. That's the scary part for me in dealing with my bipolar disorder. I know when I'm happy but I have a hard time figuring out when I'm too happy. And even when I do finally figure it out, it's too late. But I'm going to try my best not to worry about that now.

I'm going to take it one day at a time and think about what I need to do everyday to stay in a healthy happy state.

1) take my proper dose of meds
2) study schoolwork
3) go to bed at a decent hour

So, for tonight, the meds were already taken and the studying was done earlier, so that leaves me with sleep. I'm going to get at least 6 hours of sleep so that I can be fresh in the morning and do it all over again.

It feels good to finally take care of myself.

A Closed Mouth DOES Get Fed

I started a new thing where I write a schedule for the day with the intentions of actually following it, but that didn't happen today.

I planned on being awake and dressed by 10 a.m. but didn't wake up until 11. Technically I am still not dressed but I am clothed.

My schedule for the day also included me making phone calls to potential employers. I started to put it off until Tuesday, but decided against it. That ended up being a very good choice.

One of the employers ended up being one of the facilitator's of my peer specialist class. She didn't have an open position, but she did ask for my resume because an employer who was present at the last day of training wanted to speak with me. The day she was there I didn't get a chance to talk to her because the other trainees swarmed her. Despite that, she still noticed me and wants to consider me for employment!

I don't want to get my hopes up too high but I can't help but be excited.

This just reinforces the fact that it's always good to get things done because you never know what's laying ahead.

Progress

I ran into a friend today who asked me what I've been up to. Had I'd been asked a few months ago, the answer would've been a depressing, 'Not Much', with a quick change of topic because I wouldn't have wanted to come off ass the bore I was. Now I have actual topics to discuss.

I've been doing pretty well as a full-time student. I feel a little behind in my history class, so I can scheduled a tutoring session.

I received some job leads and info for Certified Peer Specialist positions, which I'm going to take full advantage of this weekend.

I've also been doing a lot of writing. I usually just journal everyday but this time I'm trying to write some lyrics and poems.

I told him all these things except the most important one for me: living.

I haven't felt like I was living a few months ago. I actually felt like the world was passing me by. I didn't have anything to look forward to and no one to talk to about it. i don't know if this change in mood is from my meds or from me actually moving around.

Whatever the case is, I'm not going to mess it up.

I already took my meds, so I'm going to get some reading done for class and head to bed with the feeling that I've lived enough for today and will continue to live some more tomorrow.

The End of the Beginning

I finished my certification class in peer support and...I am certified! I passed!



Yesterday started with a little worry about whether I would pass the weekly test. The anxiety was followed by anxiety about wanting to get the test over with, because they're usually taken at the end of the day. The anxiety was followed by frustration because I felt like I couldn't remember the material. When all was said and done, not only did I become certified, but so did the entire class!

After the scores were tallied, the facilitators had a cake to congratulate us for our achievement.

We were joined by employers explaining their company and positions available, where we had time to converse with them. Then the floor was open for us to share our thoughts.

I left the building with something I haven't felt in a long time: a sense of accomplishment. There have been many times when I didn't complete a task because I thought I couldn't. Now I know I can. I know I will have doubts about my abilities again, but when I do, I won't recall the unfinished tasks of my past, instead I'll look at my certificate.

*sigh*

Now, on to the next one.

Nothing Special

I had a pretty busy week.

School has been going fairly well. I had my first tests and quizzes this week and realized that I'm not as good at studying as I thought. But it's okay. It's still early in the game.

Tomorrow is the last day of my certification class, when I have another test. I did very well during the first week, so I can afford to slack off a bit. There is a minimum amount of points you need to get certified and I only need 50 points to make it. I think I can manage that.

I've been doing okay with my moods. A lot better than I have been doing in the past. I owe that to actually being a part of something and being active. As much as I obsess about leaving my house, it's actually doing me some good.

A tool I learned from training is to have what's called 'A Wellness Toolbox'. It's not a literal toolbox, but just a list of items or activities a person does to keep them emotionally healthy. This weekend I have to work on a paper and a speech, but I will definitely comprise my toolbox. I know grades are important, but none of that matters if I'm not healthy enough to get good ones.