When Will It Change?

I do this every time.

Post on a regular basis than all of sudden I realize that it's been months since my last post.

And I always say how busy I am and how I'm not going to let this happen again.

I have been busy but I won't say how I'm not going to let it happen again because it probably will.

And it will happen because I realize that I am an 'all or nothing' person.

I either don't want to have anything to do or want to do everything.

Since the end of August I started a full-time job as a Certified Peer Specialist. Then a few weeks later I started school. I'm taking 2 classes on campus and 2 on-line. I decided to take the on-line classes because I hated having 2 classes after work and getting home at 10 p.m. This time around I can do the homework whenever I like and I get to see my shows at night.

With the hectic schedule I've been neglecting my health.

I haven't been taking my meds, again, and my body is in bad shape.

I joined a gym a few months ago but don't even have the time to go anymore.

I'll figure something out because I can't keep having these busy days and I'm afraid that my health is going to get so poor that I won't be able to fix it.

Even though it's a beautiful Sunday afternoon, I gotta get to this math homework.

Butterflies

Tomorrow is my first day on the job as a Certified Peer Specialist. According to wikipedia a CPS, or Peer Support Specialist, is a person who has progressed enough in their own recovery that they are able to assist others in theirs by articulating their goals, assisting them with their treatment and self-help strategies and obtaining effective resources.

As with any new endeavor, I'm excited, anxious, worried, scared, happy, and nervous. As if going through 2 interviews weren't enough, I was recommended for the position by one of the facilitators from the certification program I took that gave the number requirement for the position.

I have the usual amount of butterflies before I start any new job but tonight is a little different because I have a karaoke hosting gig from 10 to 2. Hopefully I'll be able to have just enough drinks to put me to sleep but not allow me to oversleep in the morning.

I have a lot to do tonight to prepare for tomorrow, but I'm hoping that it won't be anywhere near as nerve wrecking as I'm thinking.

Happy (Belated) Anniversary!!!

As usual I'm late.

I forgot my own anniversary.

August 1st marked my 2 yr. anniversary with this thing and I totally forgot about it.

Other than being late I'm always making promises that I can't keep. I said I would use this to inform you guys about resources, and if you've been keeping up you see that I haven't done that. But it's okay because in those 2 years I've come to realize my limitations and how I'm a little too ambitious sometimes. The old me would've gotten down on herself for not delivering what was promised but the new knows that sometimes life gets in the way.

I'm still living in a crappy house with an inactive social life and unemployed. BUT this time the house is full of roommates instead of a parent, the social life is just taking a break from a fun-filled summer and the unemployment is the result of lack of work from a previous job. And on top of that I'm gearing up for another year of school.

It may look like I haven't made any progress but I did. And that's what I'm celebrating. So raise your glasses.

To life. It may not be a straight path but it always moves forward.

The Lonely Hours

A year may have passed but not much has changed.

I'm still up past midnight doing nothing productive.

I think it's a combination of not taking my meds and not being motivated.

Or the lack of motivation is a result of not taking my meds.

Here it is after 3 a.m. and I'm on here doing nothing when I need to be putting away laundry, figuring out what I'm gonna where tomorrow or updating music in my computer.

The sad thing is I know I should be doing those things and I'm not going to do them.

*sigh*

I don't know what I want in my life right now but this ain't it.

Finding My Center of Gravity

My hearts been heavy lately. And I'm not sure if it's because I'm not taking my meds since they tend to give me that numbness I'm unsure if I should appreciate.

Haven't figured it out yet.

Me hearts been heavy because I'm at a point where i feel like I need to keep my mother at a distance and the guy I'm in love with wants to keep some distance from me.

She tries to give me the guilt trip for not helping her out financially and he feels guilty when he comes over.

The more I stay away from her the more he stays away from me.

She wants me to be closer to him and he wants me to be closer to her.

I swear they're working together.

I haven't been skipping my meds purposely. I just didn't have time to take them.

The 30 seconds it takes to swallow was too much.

Now I'm seeing the results of missed doses:

Too much alcohol
Not enough sleep
Heightened sex drive
Decreasing bank account
Aggressive behavior

I've been avoiding my mother because she always asks for money like I'm required to give it to her. And I expect him to visit me like he's supposed to.

I try to give him space but I can't.

Don't know if it;s the absence of meds or the presence of me.

I just want him to want me as much as I want him.

And for her to not need me as much as she thinks she does.

Month old managers position is wearing thin. The hours are erratic and, though, not nearly as draining as they used to be, still annoying. But there is good news on the horizon: I will have an interview next wk for a vertified peer specialist position! The office is located around the corner from me and the things about my current job are available at the prospective one: travel around the city, flexible hours, working with the public. The biggest challenge will be to abandon my current paychecks with are awesome, but I knew going into it that nothing will pay as well for as little experience that I have.

I'm doing all this talking and don't even have the interview yet. But I was referred for the position by one of the facilitators from my certification class, which was about 9 months ago. So I must've made a big enough impression on him that I came to mind when he heard about the job.

I know I probably already jinxed it but I think I have the job. It will be everything that comes with a new job for me: terrifying, overwhelming at times, exciting and exhilirating, but I think that's what I need in my life right now.

That or a coffin.

WTF?

I did something the other day that I just have to post. I was getting my clothes together for work and wanted to wear my new black pants I got from Target. I looked in the area where I keep my pants and they weren't there. I looked in my wardrobe and they weren't there either. I looked in my clothes hamper and in the hamper where my clean clothes have been sitting since two weeks ago when I did laundry. They weren't in either place. I thought I wore them when it rained so I looked in another room thinking I must have taken them off to dry. They weren't there. I thought they may have been mixed in with my mothers clean clothes so I checked her clean clothes bin also. Still nothing. After 30 minutes I realized that I never bought the pants in the first place. When I was in Target, I had two pairs of black pants, but at the last minute I put one of them back. I've done a lot of stupid, crazy, off the wall stuff, but I have never looked for something I didn't own. This has never happened to me. I realized that I had missed a few days of meds but I've never done something like this. At first thought I laughed, but the more I think about it, it's kind of scary. Does my meds (or lack of meds) have that much of an effect on my memory, or do I just not pay enough attention to what I'm doing? Has this ever happened to you, or am I alone?

Magical Thinking

I've been so excited about the upcoming changes in my life that I'm starting to second guess my decisions, which happens to me too often. When I told my family about my move next month they all disagreed with my decision. According to them, they think I should either stay at home (which is basically rent free) or get a used car. I don't have a problem with my mom, I just want my own space. And getting a car would be more convenient for getting around, but I have public transportation. In my eyes a bus pass is cheaper than a hotel stay. One point they do have is that I might be moving too soon. I had been thinking about moving for over a year now, I just didn't tell them until last month (which was technically two weeks ago), so it does seem like it came out of nowhere. Even though I thought everything through, I am starting to worry about how I'm going to be able to pay the rent. Granted the rent is low enough for me to pay on time and not have to change my lifestyle, which is why I wanted this place so bad, but I do worry that I'll get fired between now and next month. It's not that I have poor work performance, I'm just a worry wart. I always worry. No matter how thought out a plan is, I always nitpick over the smallest variables.

Even though my job will last for at least the next 8 wks, I get a refund check from school at the end of February, and my rent isn't due until March, I'm still worried about money.

Even if I change my work schedule to part time and know that I will still be able to make rent, I'm still worried.

Even if I get fired tomorrow (which I'm praying doesn't happen) I will still be able to make rent. I may only be able to make it for February and have to move at the end of the month, I will still be able to make it.

Wait.

Putting too many negative scenarios out there is making me nervous.

I'm worried that too much thought into these negative scenarios will give them just enough spark to bring them to fruition.

I'll calm myself by thinking about the layout of my new space.

Even if I am only there for a month, at least I can say that I made it happen.

Then and Now

What a difference a year makes. I can't remember how I brought in 2009, but I know it was uneventful because I was broke. Bringing in 2010 was just as uneventful but my mood was drastically different. Within the last 12 months I managed to accomplish my three main goals: 1) start school I had to do a lot of scrambling and borrowing to pay for it, and went through some very tough weeks of not having money, but I managed to not only start school, but I finished with a 3.3 GPA. 2) find a job It took me 10 months to get one, but it finally happened. It's a decent paying job that allowed me to achieve goal #3. 3) find a place It's not a place to call my own (because I can't afford to live alone in the nieghborhoods I like) but it is a room to call my own in a thriving neighborhood that's close to school and convenient to get to work. I finalized everything today and will move in February 1st. I sometimes hate being responsible but now I'm addicted to the feeling of accomplishment that comes when a goal is reached. For the next few weeks I'm going to be pretty busy with prepping for the new place and school, so don't be alarmed if I don't post. I'm just (finally) being the adult I've been hesitating to be.