All I Really Want...

The other day I called my good, good friend to see how his relocating was going.

He's a federal employee who's moving from his home of 10 years to another city this week and has been feeling a little out of whack.

I called expecting to hear him talk about the hassle of the move and trying to find time to get situated before he officially goes back to work.

Instead, he tells me that he contemplated suicide two days before and is afraid to seek professional help because his employer may think that he's mentally incompetent for his job.
I can't say that I was shocked.

It's not that he's a miserably, depressed person because it's just the opposite. He's always upbeat and he's the person I call when I need a pick-me-up.

I wasn't shocked because I've come to realize that most people wear a mask of happiness.

I was one of them.

I am one of them.

We talked about what he's been feeling, what he thinks he's missing in his life, and how he can possibly go about getting those things. Of course I offered my support but I know from experience that support is not what he really wants right now.

All he (and I) want is to be happy.

Something that's so simple ye hard to achieve as an adult.

Sponsors: Not Just For Fellowship

I advocate for something I don't have.

A healthy support system.

As a C.P.S. (Certified Peer Specialist) I encourage people in recovery to create healthy support systems through clean and sober activities.

Tonight when I wanted to discuss my work day I thought about who I could call and I only came up with 2 people and they were both family.

There's nothing wrong with having family members as a support but they are not the people who I can be totally honest with.

And I honestly think that they would rather not deal with my conversations most of the time.

For at least a year I have been saying that I am tired of not having anything to do and no one to do it with, but nothing has changed.

I have lived in this neighborhood for over a year and I don't have any one's number in my phone.

I barely talk to them when I see them.

I'm not saying this for pity but just as something I've noticed about myself.

I say that I am independent but in a self conscience way I expect the universe to move toward me more than it already has.

*sigh*

All I know for sure is that I am tired of not having anyone to call on.

And I hate that I am the only who can change that.

Confession

Liquor helps me sleep better than my meds. It also doesn't make me feel sluggish in the morning.

Pushing Through

I did the same thing last night and didn't end up waking up until about 1 in the afternoon today.

I immediately thought about how I have to do my homework (which is my usual excuse for not leaving the house on Sundays), but I decided to get some fresh air today.

Instead of just going to the store (which is only a 10 minute walk) I decided to visit my mother.

I only stayed for about 30 minutes but it was what I needed.

Once I got home I was a little perky and decided to put off work for a bit but that got me to thinking:

Why don't I have the motivation to do what helps me?

I have always envied people who could get the job done and also a little more.

People who seem to have endless amounts of drug-free energy.

Why don't I have that?

Now that my work is done I am going to get out and have what little fun I can for a Sunday night--karaoke.

I think I just need to take my own advice and just get it done.

It Hurts So Good

Why do I do this to myself?




After a long day at work i was more tired than I thought. I told myself that I was just gonna rest a bit at 6 p.m. before I got some homework done.



Before I knew it I woke up and it was about 5 hours later!



I knew that I would be up all night so I took my sleeping meds and ended up falling back to sleep less than an hour later.



My alarm woke me up at 7:30 this morning (I made it a point to not change the alarm on the wkends) but all I did was have some chocolate brownies (don’t judge me) and went right back to sleep.



Now I didn’t officially wake up until about 1 in the afternoon.



Feeling like crap.



I hate waking up early on my days off (by early I mean 8 a.m.) but I hate waking up past 11 a.m. even more.



Now I’m stuck with being behind on my day by a few hours that I could definitely use and feeling like crap.



I hate that the things that helps my mood are so hard for me to do.



I keep saying that I’m gonna get better but I think I just make it worse for myself.



I’m not gonna think about the spilled milk.



I’m just gonna make sure I don’t spill any the next time.

Acceptance

I was in a real funk this week.

I was behind on my schedule for school and I kept getting my days mixed.

I though Saturday was Friday, Monday was Thursday, and Tuesday was Wednesday.

Lately I realized that I was all work and no play so I've been trying to schedule time where I could slack off but I think that's just what mixed me up.

I hate schedules and routine because, to me, routine equates to me being comfortable which equates to being stuck in a rut.

But when I am off schedule I lose focus.

I have come to accept what I cannot change, and as much as it frustrates me, and things that helps my mood.

Keeping a schedule.

Getting sunlight.

Waking up early.

Much less soda.

All things that I must do to stay sane.

Or at least be able to wear a mask of sanity.

*sigh*

I am going to get back on track and get to some school work because I know it will pay off in the long run with good grades.

I hate having to having perfect hindsight when I can opt to see clearly now.

W.R.A.P.-ped Around My Finger

Presentation outline. Test. Haiku with 3 drafts. Computer applications. Lab.

All of theses hings are due this week.

And here I am up at freakin' 4 a.m. not being productive.

Six hours ago I knew I should have been in bed. I actually set my clothes out for the night but I continued to b.s. around.

Something isn't right.

I have enough sense to know that I can't mess around with my grades but I don't have the focus to get it done.

But it will get done by the deadlines.

I may have to crank it all out within a day or two but it'll get done none the less.

But this is sign that I need to get on my W.R.A.P. (Wellness Recovery Action Plan).

It's pretty self explanatory but it's a plan to maintain your wellness.

There are different components to it for you to stay on track.

 Components like:

-Signs when I am well
-Signs when I am breaking down
-Things I need to do to stay well
-Things I might do to stay well

And it even has a component of who to make as your executor should you become unable to maintain your wellness and what do when you are well again.

I need to get on those things.

I do know that the main thing that helps me that I don't like doing is getting some sunlight and waking up at a decent hour.

Since it's so late I might as well just stay up but I know that I am going to end up falling asleep very soon.

That's always my pattern for really late nights.

So, off to bed I go.