WTF?

I did something the other day that I just have to post. I was getting my clothes together for work and wanted to wear my new black pants I got from Target. I looked in the area where I keep my pants and they weren't there. I looked in my wardrobe and they weren't there either. I looked in my clothes hamper and in the hamper where my clean clothes have been sitting since two weeks ago when I did laundry. They weren't in either place. I thought I wore them when it rained so I looked in another room thinking I must have taken them off to dry. They weren't there. I thought they may have been mixed in with my mothers clean clothes so I checked her clean clothes bin also. Still nothing. After 30 minutes I realized that I never bought the pants in the first place. When I was in Target, I had two pairs of black pants, but at the last minute I put one of them back. I've done a lot of stupid, crazy, off the wall stuff, but I have never looked for something I didn't own. This has never happened to me. I realized that I had missed a few days of meds but I've never done something like this. At first thought I laughed, but the more I think about it, it's kind of scary. Does my meds (or lack of meds) have that much of an effect on my memory, or do I just not pay enough attention to what I'm doing? Has this ever happened to you, or am I alone?

Magical Thinking

I've been so excited about the upcoming changes in my life that I'm starting to second guess my decisions, which happens to me too often. When I told my family about my move next month they all disagreed with my decision. According to them, they think I should either stay at home (which is basically rent free) or get a used car. I don't have a problem with my mom, I just want my own space. And getting a car would be more convenient for getting around, but I have public transportation. In my eyes a bus pass is cheaper than a hotel stay. One point they do have is that I might be moving too soon. I had been thinking about moving for over a year now, I just didn't tell them until last month (which was technically two weeks ago), so it does seem like it came out of nowhere. Even though I thought everything through, I am starting to worry about how I'm going to be able to pay the rent. Granted the rent is low enough for me to pay on time and not have to change my lifestyle, which is why I wanted this place so bad, but I do worry that I'll get fired between now and next month. It's not that I have poor work performance, I'm just a worry wart. I always worry. No matter how thought out a plan is, I always nitpick over the smallest variables.

Even though my job will last for at least the next 8 wks, I get a refund check from school at the end of February, and my rent isn't due until March, I'm still worried about money.

Even if I change my work schedule to part time and know that I will still be able to make rent, I'm still worried.

Even if I get fired tomorrow (which I'm praying doesn't happen) I will still be able to make rent. I may only be able to make it for February and have to move at the end of the month, I will still be able to make it.

Wait.

Putting too many negative scenarios out there is making me nervous.

I'm worried that too much thought into these negative scenarios will give them just enough spark to bring them to fruition.

I'll calm myself by thinking about the layout of my new space.

Even if I am only there for a month, at least I can say that I made it happen.

Then and Now

What a difference a year makes. I can't remember how I brought in 2009, but I know it was uneventful because I was broke. Bringing in 2010 was just as uneventful but my mood was drastically different. Within the last 12 months I managed to accomplish my three main goals: 1) start school I had to do a lot of scrambling and borrowing to pay for it, and went through some very tough weeks of not having money, but I managed to not only start school, but I finished with a 3.3 GPA. 2) find a job It took me 10 months to get one, but it finally happened. It's a decent paying job that allowed me to achieve goal #3. 3) find a place It's not a place to call my own (because I can't afford to live alone in the nieghborhoods I like) but it is a room to call my own in a thriving neighborhood that's close to school and convenient to get to work. I finalized everything today and will move in February 1st. I sometimes hate being responsible but now I'm addicted to the feeling of accomplishment that comes when a goal is reached. For the next few weeks I'm going to be pretty busy with prepping for the new place and school, so don't be alarmed if I don't post. I'm just (finally) being the adult I've been hesitating to be.