Whatever

Laundry. Cleaning. Writing. Bills.

As long as this summer seemed to be it also seemed short.

It's probably because I have been so busy and that didn't dawn on me until I saw my doctor and he asked me what I've been up to.

'Been working overtime because I'm trying to get a promotion, And on top of that my supervisor left, an old co-worker died and another co-workers son was murdered. Then I'm gearing up for the fall semester and I've been trying to maintain a social life because I realized that without one I get very depressed.'

My mind has been so mushy lately because I have so many things to do that when I get home from a busy day I ususally just put something on to watch and it ends up watching me.

I also realized that I work best when I have a schedule. I don't do well when I just 'wing' things. I need a time table to get things done. A way to stay productive and on time. Otherwose I'm just all over the place, doing a million things but getting nothing done.

This weekend, when everyone was gearing up for Hurricane Irene (which never hit us, by the way) I was doing adult stuff that I've been putting off.

Back to the grind that never seems to go away.

Get Ready You Muthas!!!

There is too much chaos in my world and I feel like there isn't much I can do about it at this point.

I share a house with 6 other people and one of them has the bright idea to help out 2 friends b inviting them to spend 2 wks here while they wait for their aprtments to become available.

Two weeks didn't sound that bad.  But that was before they took turns using the already cramped kitchen, my bananas and milk mysteriously disappeared (along with my computer speakers I left in the kitchen) and that another roomie used the heater that I placed in the basement in March that I found on the curb tonight because she said it didn't work when she plugged it in thinking it was a fan, I. Am. Done.

I need some normalcy back in my life because I am about to snap on everything moving.

Please pray for them because at this point they need it more than I do.

They Smile In Your Face

These past few weeks have really been a blur. I've been working so much and trying to get so much done that I haven't really had time for anything fun or social. And the opportunity for growth at work is turning up but the morale is fading quickly.

Apparenly my good work doesn't sit well with my co-workers. Instead of them asking for help or support on how they can get to a better situation they decide to end conversations when I walk into the room and be passive aggressive when I'm present.

When did advancement become such a dirty thing?

When I started the job I have been helpful with making sure everyone had the same information and passing on resources that I thought everyone could benefit from.

Since I've gotten the small promotion and been asked to take on other responsibilities it seems as if the rest of the staff has been doing less.

I'm no taking over anyone elses responsibilities or making them feel less than because they weren't asked to do more. I'm just taking it as it comes. And apparently it comes with some knives in the back.

Best believe that I am not leting this bother me.

They can bitch and moan all the way home while I laugh at those exras dollars on my check.

I Sank Your Battleship

There's a new guy at work who, in my opinion and a few others, isn't doing his best for him to be the new guy.

He's been here for over a month and he's already taken days off, broken minor (which could lead to potentially major) rules and doesn't use the best tone of voice to voice his opinion.

My job requires that the first 2 weeks or so be dedicated to reading, watching and listening to boring procedures and orientations in a small, hot room. Just like all of us, he wanted to get out of this room, which we call 'The Torture Chamber', and decided to let the manager know this by pouting and giving her 'the puppy dog eyes'. Of course she didn't go for it.

Since I got promoted I get to spend a little extra time with the manager and I hear her view on things that's been happening around the office.

In response to the new guy not wanting to read the manuals and how he's been (trying to) cut corners, she says, "I really think he should read the policy manual; that way he'll know why he's getting fired'.

I thought her comment was a little too blunt, but on the other hand she had a very valid point.

Too many times people at this job take the relaxed vibe too far then wonder why they're getting warned or written up.

Because I thought the comment was too funny to keep to myself I decided to tell the co-worker that started the same day as I did. We shared some laughs, he made some comments on the new guys behavior and we kept it moving.

In our staff meeting today the new guy was encouraged to participate in the meeting by reading a snippet from the manual. This was after he was caught playing with his phone and eating, neither of which can be done at that time.

Before he reads it, he says,'Read the policy and procedure? Oh. Yeah. So I'll know why I'm getting fired'.

I put a confused smirk on my face but I was really very embarrassed and upset.

I was upset because my words were not only repeated in he office but told to the person they were about. And I was embarrassed because I'm vying for my manager's trust so I can be recommended for another promotion in a few months.

Running my mouth with an off hand comment was not the best thing to do if I want to be trusted with potentially sensitive information.

As good as it felt to let someone else in on the joke, I have to keep in mind the possible long term benefit of laughing to myself because in the end, if I don't get the job the joke might be on me.

Let's Hear It For The Boy

My last saved post was going to be about being in a funk that I couldn't put my finger on but I'm over it.

I'm feeling a little better and it's because I realized what I take for granted that helps me through those funks: music, sunlight and socializing.

I was down and out because I stayed indoors to avoid the blazing heat of Philly summers, which caused me to miss the socializing in the summer sun.

I slowly got out of that funk with the help of  'the dude'. He doesn't know my detailed history but he does know about my job, which makes for great conversation. As a matter of fact, he has unknowingly interacted with a participant of my job for so long that he drew a picture of him that is spot on.

The dude and I have been seeing each other for about 5 months and decided to make it official. I was elated when the topic came up (and the fact that he had given it some thought but didn't know how to bring it up) but I was also a little nervous.

Because of my thought patterns, instead of thinking about all the good stuff we can experience, I immediately wen to he end of the relationship. It reminded me of something I heard a work.

A man took his wife for a walk along a huge, beautiful bridge so she can see he city skyline. Instead of her noticing the city lights she turned to him and said, 'I wonder how many people jump off of this bridge each year'.

Given how many good times I've had with the dude I have no real reason to think it's going to turn sour. I dont' want to be pessimistic but I definitely want to be realistic.

I'm going to force myself to not obsess over any little thing that he does that pisses me off, or what could go wrong. I am just going to enjoy the fact that we spend more time laughing than I have with any other person I've dated.

And if it does go sour, at the end of the day he seems to be the first person that I truly think I could be friends with.

Change Has Come

Work has been nothing but changes lately. Be it the participants, the rules or the staff change is all around me.

About 2 weeks we learned that my supervisor would be leaving. This may sound like a minor thing but she has been the calm within the storm and the buffer between us CPS's and the manager of the program. She has also been the person who encouraged us to attend trainings and strive to work harder. We didn't get official word about where she's going but I think she was promoted to the downtown office.

This change brings a larger question: who's going to replace her?

The way my job works, to bring someone from the outside would be more of a hassle because they would have to learn every single aspect of her job and mine. And there really isn't any neighboring organization hat resembles ours to pull someone from.

The only answer would be to promote someone from within. The only problem is that there really isn't anyone to promote.

There's a woman who has the years put in but seems to be baffled by her present position. Anytime the manager asks her a question about her job she seems to be put off. How can you be bothered when you're asked about your duties? Who does that?

There's a guy who also has the time in but he can't seem to be trusted when it comes to performing his present duties.

Everyone else seems to not want the responsibilities.

Then there's me. I would love the job, partly because it comes with a huge raise, but mainly because I would love the responsibilities.

The bad news is that I've only been there for 9 months.

The good news is that I'm about a week away from getting the official word of a different position and my supervisor has already recommended me for the job.

The only thing I need to do now is stay on course and continue to stand out from the herd.

I've never 'fit in' so it should be a cakewalk.

What A Wonderful World

Try to keep up.

Thursday
          Worked to 1
           Hangover II with new friend
           Bar for drinks and food
           Bar for art closing. More drinks and tried escargo. It was way better than I thought
           Bar for more drinks
           Walmart for groceries
        
Friday
          worked to 3 pm.
          Arena football with friends only to the middle of the 2nd quarter
          Home to have drinks and play cards with friends
          Bar/club
          Casino (and won my rent for the month. Yay!)

Saturday
         Much needed hair salon visit until 5
         New friend made tacos for us. Dee-lish.
         Bar for drinks and to support friend for bands she booked.
         Home for much needed sleep.

Today
        CVS for house stuff
        DIY mani.
        Plans for downtown bbq
        Scheduled to co-host karaoke contest

Tomorrow
        Rest.

What Is It Gonna Take?

This is the last leg of my vacation from work and I ended up working at my part time job.

I trained to be a server a the place I host karaoke. I figured that I could pick up a few shifts a week during the summer break. While I was chatting with he manager she offered a second week of karaoke hosting.

Mo' money. Mo' money. Mo' money.

When I called my mother to tell her about the news she started filling me about the idea that she has been having about going back to school through a program she found out about from her volunteer job.

She started asking about the process of applying and fees that go along with it.

I thought she was genuinely interested in going back to school.

But thinking that was too much like right.

She was inadvertently asking me to get in on a scam for her to get money for school without actually going.

She wanted to pay for my classes so she could get the remainder of the loan.

Why didn't it occur to her that I do the same thing.

Minus the scam.

I'm actually in school and I'm able to make these posts because I used my loan money to buy this computer.

She tried to guilt me into doing it by saying that she wanted to get the house worked on. And then, the guilt trip continued because she told me that I wouldn't be able to contact her in a few days because her phone would be cut off.

*sigh*

I'm at the point where I can't get caught up in her shenanigans but at what point is she going to realize that something has got to change in her life?

I may not have children or a mortgage but I still have a life requires money. And, as bad as it may sound, I use her situation as the drive to keep working.

I just hope that she realizes that her life doesn't have to be as bad she lets it become.

A Body At Rest

This week I am doing something that I haven't had a chance to do in about 8 months -- I am resting.

I would always scoff at people who took vacations and stayed home. I didn't get the point of it. But after doing it, I completely understand.

Waking up late. Taking walks around the neighborhood. Getting my appointments out of the way. Immersing myself in my hobbies. Staying up late.

I can do most of things during the work week but I'm usually mentally exhausted once I'm off the clock.

I only have 3 days left and all I have on my agenda is a lunch date.

This is something I can get used to.

All I Really Want...

The other day I called my good, good friend to see how his relocating was going.

He's a federal employee who's moving from his home of 10 years to another city this week and has been feeling a little out of whack.

I called expecting to hear him talk about the hassle of the move and trying to find time to get situated before he officially goes back to work.

Instead, he tells me that he contemplated suicide two days before and is afraid to seek professional help because his employer may think that he's mentally incompetent for his job.
I can't say that I was shocked.

It's not that he's a miserably, depressed person because it's just the opposite. He's always upbeat and he's the person I call when I need a pick-me-up.

I wasn't shocked because I've come to realize that most people wear a mask of happiness.

I was one of them.

I am one of them.

We talked about what he's been feeling, what he thinks he's missing in his life, and how he can possibly go about getting those things. Of course I offered my support but I know from experience that support is not what he really wants right now.

All he (and I) want is to be happy.

Something that's so simple ye hard to achieve as an adult.

Sponsors: Not Just For Fellowship

I advocate for something I don't have.

A healthy support system.

As a C.P.S. (Certified Peer Specialist) I encourage people in recovery to create healthy support systems through clean and sober activities.

Tonight when I wanted to discuss my work day I thought about who I could call and I only came up with 2 people and they were both family.

There's nothing wrong with having family members as a support but they are not the people who I can be totally honest with.

And I honestly think that they would rather not deal with my conversations most of the time.

For at least a year I have been saying that I am tired of not having anything to do and no one to do it with, but nothing has changed.

I have lived in this neighborhood for over a year and I don't have any one's number in my phone.

I barely talk to them when I see them.

I'm not saying this for pity but just as something I've noticed about myself.

I say that I am independent but in a self conscience way I expect the universe to move toward me more than it already has.

*sigh*

All I know for sure is that I am tired of not having anyone to call on.

And I hate that I am the only who can change that.

Confession

Liquor helps me sleep better than my meds. It also doesn't make me feel sluggish in the morning.

Pushing Through

I did the same thing last night and didn't end up waking up until about 1 in the afternoon today.

I immediately thought about how I have to do my homework (which is my usual excuse for not leaving the house on Sundays), but I decided to get some fresh air today.

Instead of just going to the store (which is only a 10 minute walk) I decided to visit my mother.

I only stayed for about 30 minutes but it was what I needed.

Once I got home I was a little perky and decided to put off work for a bit but that got me to thinking:

Why don't I have the motivation to do what helps me?

I have always envied people who could get the job done and also a little more.

People who seem to have endless amounts of drug-free energy.

Why don't I have that?

Now that my work is done I am going to get out and have what little fun I can for a Sunday night--karaoke.

I think I just need to take my own advice and just get it done.

It Hurts So Good

Why do I do this to myself?




After a long day at work i was more tired than I thought. I told myself that I was just gonna rest a bit at 6 p.m. before I got some homework done.



Before I knew it I woke up and it was about 5 hours later!



I knew that I would be up all night so I took my sleeping meds and ended up falling back to sleep less than an hour later.



My alarm woke me up at 7:30 this morning (I made it a point to not change the alarm on the wkends) but all I did was have some chocolate brownies (don’t judge me) and went right back to sleep.



Now I didn’t officially wake up until about 1 in the afternoon.



Feeling like crap.



I hate waking up early on my days off (by early I mean 8 a.m.) but I hate waking up past 11 a.m. even more.



Now I’m stuck with being behind on my day by a few hours that I could definitely use and feeling like crap.



I hate that the things that helps my mood are so hard for me to do.



I keep saying that I’m gonna get better but I think I just make it worse for myself.



I’m not gonna think about the spilled milk.



I’m just gonna make sure I don’t spill any the next time.

Acceptance

I was in a real funk this week.

I was behind on my schedule for school and I kept getting my days mixed.

I though Saturday was Friday, Monday was Thursday, and Tuesday was Wednesday.

Lately I realized that I was all work and no play so I've been trying to schedule time where I could slack off but I think that's just what mixed me up.

I hate schedules and routine because, to me, routine equates to me being comfortable which equates to being stuck in a rut.

But when I am off schedule I lose focus.

I have come to accept what I cannot change, and as much as it frustrates me, and things that helps my mood.

Keeping a schedule.

Getting sunlight.

Waking up early.

Much less soda.

All things that I must do to stay sane.

Or at least be able to wear a mask of sanity.

*sigh*

I am going to get back on track and get to some school work because I know it will pay off in the long run with good grades.

I hate having to having perfect hindsight when I can opt to see clearly now.

W.R.A.P.-ped Around My Finger

Presentation outline. Test. Haiku with 3 drafts. Computer applications. Lab.

All of theses hings are due this week.

And here I am up at freakin' 4 a.m. not being productive.

Six hours ago I knew I should have been in bed. I actually set my clothes out for the night but I continued to b.s. around.

Something isn't right.

I have enough sense to know that I can't mess around with my grades but I don't have the focus to get it done.

But it will get done by the deadlines.

I may have to crank it all out within a day or two but it'll get done none the less.

But this is sign that I need to get on my W.R.A.P. (Wellness Recovery Action Plan).

It's pretty self explanatory but it's a plan to maintain your wellness.

There are different components to it for you to stay on track.

 Components like:

-Signs when I am well
-Signs when I am breaking down
-Things I need to do to stay well
-Things I might do to stay well

And it even has a component of who to make as your executor should you become unable to maintain your wellness and what do when you are well again.

I need to get on those things.

I do know that the main thing that helps me that I don't like doing is getting some sunlight and waking up at a decent hour.

Since it's so late I might as well just stay up but I know that I am going to end up falling asleep very soon.

That's always my pattern for really late nights.

So, off to bed I go.

Moody's Mood

In the mood for a change.

Inspired.

Enlightened.

And a lil' envious, too.

ZigiNY 'Chopper' Sneaker in Black

 

If At First You Don't Succeed

I met a guy a few months ago.

Actually, I met him twice.

The first time was at a venue where he worked where I saw an awesome show.

The second time we were formally introduced at a bar I frequent. He asked for my number and after I thought it over for a while, I gave it to him.

I'm usually extremely socially awkward but the few times we hung out were actually good.

The conversation flowed so nicely that, not until I was telling a friend of mine about him, did I realize that I don't know much about him.

It wasn't that I asked questions about his life or that I was scared to ask quaestions, it just didn't occur to me to ask him anything.

Basic questions.

I know he doesn't live in Philly or PA for that matter, but I don't know where he lives exactly.

I don't know who he lives with.

I don't know if he has children.

What he wants to do with his life.

What he was doing before he worked at the venue.

And the bigger question that I'm asking myself is whether I'm ready to start dating.

I know I can't be in a serious relationship without dating first but with that relationship comes a vulnerability that I'm not sure I can handle with someone that will be around the day after.

*sigh*

I'm going to stick with it.

I have no reason to not give him a chance.

And I actually like him.

So far.

And if it ends before it gets serious at least I've had a few 'dates'.

Tonight is daylight saving time which means that spring will soon be here.

Which means a change is due.

I've wanted to change my style for a long time now but I've been hesitant.

I say hesitant but I've really been scared.

Afraid.

Terrified.

Worried that I won't be able to pull off.

I want to look effortlessly cool and hip.

I don't want to be the girl that's trying too hard.

I bought some boots yesterday and managed to wear them this afternoon.

I took the first step.

Now I must work my way up.

Today some boots.

Tomorrow some accessories.

From Point A to Point B

The other day I was rushing to school and remembered that I had to get a money order. When I entered the check cashing place a woman was talking to the cashier as she was heading out. They shared a laugh as I stepped to the counter to ask for a $400 money order.

I took the $400 out of the bank envelope that was in my pocket and slid it under the glass to the cashier.

"400 dollars and 69 cents", he said as he took the $400 and started counting it.

I slid him a dollar bill and waited.

He then slid me the 31 cents change, the $400 money order AND the $400.

I thought he slid it back to me because it was short so I took the change and the money order and counted the $400. I slid the money back to him.

He looked at me and asked, "What are you doing?"

I stared back at him and said, "I'm paying for the money order."

"But you already paid for it."

I couldn't believe it.

I told him that I already paid for it and that he just counted it and handed it back to me.

He looked at me, looked at the money then opened hs cash drawer and held up a 10 inch thick stack of bills.

"Okay. Well, if I come up $400 over then I'll give you a call", he said with a smile.

I laughed and left the counter to write out my money.

I thought for a few seconds then turned back to him.

"I can't believe I just did that", I told him.

"Well. Honesty will get you far in life."


Do you know how bad I could use that 400? What I could do with that?

But shortly afterwards I really thought about it and realized that karma always finds a way to get back to me.
Even though that was only the second time I've been to that business, he could've replayed the security cameras (if they were in place), he could've cancelled that money order, which would've led to a nasty situation that I would've been extremely embarrassed about. I've learned the hard way that the short cut is the longest way to get around.

A Milestone

I've been through some ups and downs but overall I can't really complain with my progress.

Yesterday marked my 6 month anniversary at my job as a certified peer specialist and I can say that I came a long way and still have quite a ways to go.

My job consists of engaging with people who have mental health and drug and alcohol challenges. Other than the obvious array of colorful caracters I encounter it is really helping me change my perception of the world.

I always thought 'crazy' people were the unspoken, forgotten bums I'd see on the streets talking to no one in particular, who had always been 'that way' and had no hope at a better life. This position has exposed me to people who were once vibrant and lost their 'bounce' after a traumatic event that seemed out of their control.

I realize now that it can happen to anyone.

I even feel myself getting closer to the edge sometimes.

I know now that it is empowering to ask for help and support than try to hide in the darkness.

With my full load of work and school and trying to manage a social life, I hope that I don' regress to past behaviors.

But at least I know where to turn if I do.

Home

Even though I have been paying bills and maintaining a household for the last 8 yrs or so this past Friday I feel like I've finally stepped into adulthood by attending my first art opening. I new friend invited me to the opening of his friends collection,  The Tiberino Family, at the Sande Webster Gallery. It was nothing like I expected.

As a kid I always pictured art openings to be for pretentious, rich white folk who wore avante-gaurd clothes discussing the emotion poured into an art piece that only displayed a pin-sized colored dot on a white backdrop. Instead I saw people of all ages, races and backgrounds. I saw small children playing in the corner of a backroom that displayed washed out photographs from the inner city and 'thugs' in the latest gear discussing the medium of choice for a visual piece about Proust.

I felt at home yet so far away from things I felt so dear.

It was silly of me to think the typical inadequacy every artist feels would somehow bypass me.

All in all, it was a wonderful scene with emotional people who left their egos out with the cold.

Back At It

The last 5 months of my job as a certified peer specialist has been very challenging. It has opened my eyes to the various challenges that people are facing and I'm finding that there is a fine line between being empathetic and cold-hearted.

I've taken 2 small weekend trips that weren't what I expected. The first was to Connecticut to see an old friend that ended up costing about twice than I expected and I saw just how much of an alcoholic he was. The other trip this past weekend to Atlantic City to see Lauryn Hill was very uninspiring. She showcased a real talent with changing the sound to her classics but there was an obvious disconnection with the crowd.

I am also in school full time and now have a better grasp at time management. Thank the heavens for a monthly planner.