Ain't This Some Bull

What a week. Last Thursday I had two final: art history and public speaking. I was nervous about my art final because we covered at least 15 images but would only be tested on a random 6. Luckily, we were tested on the 6 images I studies the most for. I was also nervous about my public speaking final because I wasn't as prepared as I should have been and this speech was worth more points than the others. I not only did well, but when I asked to the professor to meet with me this week to discuss the possibility of becoming a communications major, she said she was thinking the same thing! I never gave communications a thought, but after taking the class and realizing that I like communicating, it makes sense to change majors. Or at least learn more about it. Tonight wasn't so good. I thought I had my history final, and was surprised when i showed up to class that it was empty. I checked the roster and realized that it is scheduled for Wednesday night. When I saw that I thought I had my anthropology final instead. I rushed to my anthro class, only to see 3 other students walking out. No one showed up. I remembered the professor saying that he wouldn't be here tonight, but that doesn't make sense. But then again, he hasn't made sense all semester. I don't know what to do now. I have my history final Wednesday night, and I work during the day so there's no way I can take my anthro final. I emailed my anthro teacher and told him the dilemma, but knowing him he probably doesn't even check his email. I am pissed right now. The good thing is that I have more time to study for history. The bad thing is that I might miss my anthro final. I can't worry about because it's not my fault, but it pisses me off that I'm finally at a stage where I am prepared for class, and I get stuck with a professor who isn't. UGH!!!

Drown In My Own Fears

This past weekend was very productive. Not from boredom but necessity. Finals week is approaching and because I work full-time, I had to do most of my homework this past weekend. Saturday was spent doing my research paper. I didn't have any of it started, so I had to research my topic, write an outline, and write a rough draft. I also studied for my art history test on Thursday. Sunday was spent revising my rough draft and studying for an anthropology test that I took today. I also had do some reading for my U.S. history class. Today was spent working until 4:30, then I had to rush to my 5:30 appointment with my history professor to discuss my grades. I asked him if I was a lost cause because I feel like I've been struggling since day one. Thankfully he told me that I wasn't, but I'm still worried.

I have good attendance and get the work done, but I still feel like I'm behind. If I don't make half decent grades on my finals, then my financial aid will be cancelled and I will have to sit out for the spring semester. I worked too hard to get back in school only to be told that I have to stop.

I'm scared that I will fail my finals.

All I can do to prepare for them is to study. Hard.

I can't let this fear get to me, because at the end of the day, the only thing that really matters is that I tried.

Hopefully my grades will reflect that.

Two Down

My day wasn't so good.

I was late again.

I had a few busy tasks to do and when I did one of them wrong, my manager reprimanded me like I was a child.

One of my biggest pet peeves is not what's said but how it's said.

From the day I started her demeanor has rubbed me the wrong way, and the fact that no one has said anything about it makes it worse.

If people are silent then she will think that she can continue to talk to people anyway she wants.

I dont' want to be the one to tell her that she can't, but it might get to that point.

I'm going to try to let it slide, but I don't know how long I'll be able to do that.

*sigh*

Six more weeks. That's all I keep telling myself. Six more weeks, then it'll be over.

Decisions, decisions

As I said in my last week, I got a ride to work but that created a problem.

My rides work shift is later than mine, so I have to work her shift, which means that I'm getting home to late to catch the train and make it to school on time.

Now I have to decide:

Do I make money by getting a ride to work, which means that I will miss class

or

do I decline the ride, and the money from work, and go to class?

Some friends of mine thinks that I should take the job because 'bills come every month and the job will pay for them, and school will always be there'.

For a second I agreed with them, but that made me think about how I've been in this position before, and made the wrong decision.

In the past I would start school, get a good job, then drop out of school, thinking that the job would last. Because of those decisions, I'm back to where I started from: no job and no degree.

I know I need the money, but I don't want to mess up my financial aid, because when the job goes, the aid will be what I'm left with. And, this time around, I am really focused on getting this degree because a high school diploma isn't enough anymore.

*sigh*

I'm going to drop the job and go to class.

With my inability to make the right decisions, I always fear that I'm not doing the right thing. I've thought about this all week and decided that this time around, I need to go to school. I've already let too many years pass by and I don't have time to waste anymore.

I hope I'm making the right decision.

What would you do?

No Words

Minutes after my last post I got a call about a job that started yesterday. I was a little cautious because they called me at 4:45 on Friday to have me start the following Monday, but whatever. I took the job.

Pros: good pay

I'm making more than I was offered from the other positions, and the most I've ever made.

Cons: hours, duration, location

The only shift available was full-time for 8 weeks in the Northeast. I don't particularly like having to be to work at that hour, but I can handle it. I'm not too familiar with the area, and being an evening full-time student is going to be a lot to handle.

I was tempted to turn down the job, but I need work. I can't mooch off of my family any longer. I am just as tired as they are of it.

The sucky part about it all is, of course the SEPTA strike!

As soon as I get a job, I can't get to it.

Or so I thought.

They have offered transportation for me to and from work! At no cost to me!

Admittedly, I was a little bummed about that offer because I have 2 papers to write and 2 tests to study for, but... I'll have to make it work.

I wanted a job, and I got it.

As much as I complain, things seem to work out for me. I'm so used to all the years of confusion and anger and frustration, that when things go right, I immediately look for something wrong.

I can't do that this time around.

I'm going to use the old maternal saying: 'if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.'

Now and Later

I think I jinxed myself. I got so excited about being offered a job and now I'm not sure if I have it.

In the last post I said I had a meeting with the manager to discuss the details of the position. Well, I showed up and she didn't.

I ended up meeting with another manager who had no information about me, which means she didn't even know that I was offered the position.

Despite the miscommunication between the managers, she was very nice and said that i would hear from everyone about the position.

A week has gone by with no word from either manager.

I've left messages and still haven't gotten a call back yet. Even if it's just to say that there was a mix up about the job and I'm not hired, I'd still like to know what's going on.

Surprisingly, I am okay with it all.

I don't like the situation, but I'm okay with it because I've done all that I can do about it. I kept up my end of the deal, and the rest of it is out of my hands.

I will admit that I have been obsessing a little about what I possibly did wrong or could have done better, but I did catch myself and not let it take over my thoughts or effect my mood.

I can't afford to let that happen.

I've been trying to see the brighter side of it all.

With me being in school, I've been thinking that it might be for the best that I don't work this semester. It's been four years since I've taken classes and I'm still trying to get back into the swing of things. And, I applied to take another week long training course in December, so it just might be best that I don't have a job then.

Who knows.

At this point, I'm just trying to focus on the bigger picture: school and training.

A job is good for now, but the degree and certificates are good for later.

Good Things Come

I finally have a job!

Well, I have to work out the details on Friday but I was actually given a job offer!

About two weeks I received a mass email from one of the facilitator's from my CPS training about two open positions. I was one of about 30 people the email was sent to which made me think about the slim chance I had at getting the job, but I applied for the position anyway.

Tuesday I went to school early and saw a friend from CPS training who asked me if I had any job offers. I told him that I applied to that one and some others, but hadn't gotten a reply.

When I got home there was a message from the company in the mass email saying that the job was mine if I wanted it.

Hell yeah I want it!!!

I have the preliminary meeting Friday to discuss the details of the position, but the 'worry wart' in me is obsessing over the hours and workload.

Will it fit into my school schedule?
Will I have enough time to do my schoolwork?
Am I competent enough for the job?

It has been a while since I've been in the workforce, but I need this.

For my pockets and for my sanity.

I like having money and I'll be helping others, which plays a huge part in my mental health.

*sigh*

It's been a long time coming, but was worth the wait.

It's A Thin Line

Taking my own advice from my last post about being productive so that I could sleep well, I tried to tire myself out before bed last night. I did some chores around the house, but it had the opposite effect. Instead of being tired, I was too 'amped up' to sleep.

That's another problem of mine.

Finding a healthy balance between mania and depression.

I can keep myself active enough to keep the depression at bay, but then I have to not get too excited because that can lead to mania.

What the hell am I supposed to do?!

The easy answer would be to avoid the depression, but I know from experience that mania can be just as bad.

I take 5mg of Zyprexa that helps me sleep, but I'm going to add some other things to the mix before bed:

- a long, hot shower
-a cup of sleepytime tea
-relaxing music

Hopefully that will work. If it doesn't I'll just have to perfect my tightrope balancing skills.

Guilty Until Proven Innocent

Over the last few weeks I've noticed that most nights when I'm trying to fall asleep I have feelings of guilt. I feel like I've done something wrong and I'm going to get caught.

I know that I haven't stolen, or lied, cheated or hurt someone intentionally, but I still feel guilty.

I remembered a tip from some of my old therapy sessions where whenever I have an emotion that seems to come on unexpectedly, I should retrace my thoughts to get to the root of the emotion.

I've done that many nights, but I still feel guilty.

It's not the kind of guilt where I feel like I've gotten away with something I shouldn't have, but the kind of guilt where I feel like someone is going to come into my bedroom to reprimand me.

Could it be that I feel guilty about going to sleep because I haven't been as productive during the day as I should have?

I think it is, because nothing else makes sense.

I don't think I will have that problem tonight because I got a lot done today.

I just need to repeat the process from here on out.

One Step At A Time

What a day. After everything was done I realized how well I did compared to what I would've done in the past.

I got a part of my disbursement check from school (a very small part) and wanted to cash it because I have been very low on cash, but I had a problem.

My bank account was closed and I had to reapply to open it back up. In order to reopen the account I needed to pay $15 in cash.

I only had the check from school on me, no state issued photo i.d. (but I did have the phot card to have the photo taken), and no cash. I only had about 70 cents in my pocket.

Of course, the easy solutions would be to go to a check cashing joint, but they can't cash checks without a state issued phot i.d., or just wait until tomorrow to get my photo taken at the DMV.

I know this isn't a big problem but when I got home I realized that this situation would've normally sent me in a downward spiral.

I would've been cursing myself for being too stupid to not get the photo i.d. taken when I got the card in the mail, or beaten myself up for thinking that the check cashing places would've made an exception for me.

I didn't do either.

When I got home, I asked my mom for the $15 to reopen the account, and reminded myself that I should be thankful for having a mother to ask for the money.

I know these are small things, butin the past these are exactly the type of things that would've gotten me so upset to the point of taking them out on someone else.

I'm proud of myself for making progess, and even more proud that I am actually able to see the progress.

I know it's a small step, but every step takes time.

I got over this one, and now I feel like I'm ready to take on the next one.

What Is This?

What is happening to me?

I worked for two years to get my paperwork together that would allow me to go to school, and now I don't want to go.

Other than the fact that I don't feel like leaving the house and would rather lie in bed, I don't have a real reason for not going.

I should be happy to go to class because my first class will have important info for an upcoming test, and in my second class I will be given my grade from the last assignment.

And on top of that, I just had a four day weekend (I don't have class on Fridays)!

What is going on with me?

I am kind of anxious to get the night over with but at the same time I'm dreading the ride to and from school.

This happens to me too often.

I can be happy and upset or fearful about something.

As long as I've had these mixed emotion you'd think I'd know how to handle them, but I don't.
The only thing I know how to do is push through them and know that I can only deal with things I can actually control.

I know that I can't make the sub or bus come any faster, but I can be on time to make sure that I'm not late.

I know that I can't make class go any faster while I'm there, but I can stay focused to fool myself into thinking that time is moving fast.

*sigh*

I'm going to try to not worry about tonight, but that's another symptom for me. And a whole different post.

For now, I'm going to try to relax and deal with the here and now.

A Little Better

The lyrics are so appropriate for what I'm feeling now. Listen closely.

Better Late Than Never

I've been having a burst of creative energy lately. I don't know if it's because I'm actually taking part in the world around me, if it's because I've grown tired of not moving, or if it's the meds. it's most likely a combo of all three.

Being a student again has really lifted my spirits. I'm not only forced to get out of the house, but I'm doing something that is beneficial to me, which will, in turn, be beneficial to those around me.

Having been, what I feel like, immobile for so many months has given me motivation to not fall into the easy trap of depression. Since I know how I'll feel when I'm not productive, I now do what I can to stay as productive as possible.

The meds have definitely leveled me out. I'm not as aggressive or short tempered as I was pre-meds. I'm also not as paranoid and anxious either.

The part that worries me now is that I'll get too happy. That's the scary part for me in dealing with my bipolar disorder. I know when I'm happy but I have a hard time figuring out when I'm too happy. And even when I do finally figure it out, it's too late. But I'm going to try my best not to worry about that now.

I'm going to take it one day at a time and think about what I need to do everyday to stay in a healthy happy state.

1) take my proper dose of meds
2) study schoolwork
3) go to bed at a decent hour

So, for tonight, the meds were already taken and the studying was done earlier, so that leaves me with sleep. I'm going to get at least 6 hours of sleep so that I can be fresh in the morning and do it all over again.

It feels good to finally take care of myself.

A Closed Mouth DOES Get Fed

I started a new thing where I write a schedule for the day with the intentions of actually following it, but that didn't happen today.

I planned on being awake and dressed by 10 a.m. but didn't wake up until 11. Technically I am still not dressed but I am clothed.

My schedule for the day also included me making phone calls to potential employers. I started to put it off until Tuesday, but decided against it. That ended up being a very good choice.

One of the employers ended up being one of the facilitator's of my peer specialist class. She didn't have an open position, but she did ask for my resume because an employer who was present at the last day of training wanted to speak with me. The day she was there I didn't get a chance to talk to her because the other trainees swarmed her. Despite that, she still noticed me and wants to consider me for employment!

I don't want to get my hopes up too high but I can't help but be excited.

This just reinforces the fact that it's always good to get things done because you never know what's laying ahead.

Progress

I ran into a friend today who asked me what I've been up to. Had I'd been asked a few months ago, the answer would've been a depressing, 'Not Much', with a quick change of topic because I wouldn't have wanted to come off ass the bore I was. Now I have actual topics to discuss.

I've been doing pretty well as a full-time student. I feel a little behind in my history class, so I can scheduled a tutoring session.

I received some job leads and info for Certified Peer Specialist positions, which I'm going to take full advantage of this weekend.

I've also been doing a lot of writing. I usually just journal everyday but this time I'm trying to write some lyrics and poems.

I told him all these things except the most important one for me: living.

I haven't felt like I was living a few months ago. I actually felt like the world was passing me by. I didn't have anything to look forward to and no one to talk to about it. i don't know if this change in mood is from my meds or from me actually moving around.

Whatever the case is, I'm not going to mess it up.

I already took my meds, so I'm going to get some reading done for class and head to bed with the feeling that I've lived enough for today and will continue to live some more tomorrow.

The End of the Beginning

I finished my certification class in peer support and...I am certified! I passed!



Yesterday started with a little worry about whether I would pass the weekly test. The anxiety was followed by anxiety about wanting to get the test over with, because they're usually taken at the end of the day. The anxiety was followed by frustration because I felt like I couldn't remember the material. When all was said and done, not only did I become certified, but so did the entire class!

After the scores were tallied, the facilitators had a cake to congratulate us for our achievement.

We were joined by employers explaining their company and positions available, where we had time to converse with them. Then the floor was open for us to share our thoughts.

I left the building with something I haven't felt in a long time: a sense of accomplishment. There have been many times when I didn't complete a task because I thought I couldn't. Now I know I can. I know I will have doubts about my abilities again, but when I do, I won't recall the unfinished tasks of my past, instead I'll look at my certificate.

*sigh*

Now, on to the next one.

Nothing Special

I had a pretty busy week.

School has been going fairly well. I had my first tests and quizzes this week and realized that I'm not as good at studying as I thought. But it's okay. It's still early in the game.

Tomorrow is the last day of my certification class, when I have another test. I did very well during the first week, so I can afford to slack off a bit. There is a minimum amount of points you need to get certified and I only need 50 points to make it. I think I can manage that.

I've been doing okay with my moods. A lot better than I have been doing in the past. I owe that to actually being a part of something and being active. As much as I obsess about leaving my house, it's actually doing me some good.

A tool I learned from training is to have what's called 'A Wellness Toolbox'. It's not a literal toolbox, but just a list of items or activities a person does to keep them emotionally healthy. This weekend I have to work on a paper and a speech, but I will definitely comprise my toolbox. I know grades are important, but none of that matters if I'm not healthy enough to get good ones.

A New Beginning

Today was Day Two of my Certified Peer Specialist training and I already feel behind.

Most of the class, if not all, are recovering drug and/or alcohol addicts.

I know that we are all in the class for the same reason (to help our peers better themselves by sharing our own experiences) but I somehow managed to let my judgements muddle my ability to be open-minded and teachable.

While listening to my peers share their experiences I was too busy hearing stories about how they allowed drugs take over their lives, that I didn't listen to how they've managed to get their lives back.

They may have once held a narcotic or a bottle in their hands, but they've since been able to let those things go and replace it with trust, which I have yet to do.

During an exercise, when asked what life lessons were learned, a gentleman said that he's learned to trust people. It was said with such ease and confidence, not because it was a simple lesson to learn, but because of the satisfaction from mastering that lesson.

When talking about trust, I can't say when I'll be able to speak with that much ease, but I will say that the lesson starts today.

If I only walk away from this training with that gentleman's words, at least I'll know that being able to trust is possible.

We've learned that even though the path to recovery is different, no one path is better than the next.

Maybe every failed attempt at trust in my past, put me in that classroom, just to hear those words.

Whatever the reason is, I have too much time behind me to let it negatively effect what's in front of me.

A Long Time Coming

I am very proud to announce that I have my first class tonight!

After two years of paperwork and payments to correct the mistakes of my twenties. I am now a full time college student!

I know there are going to be nights where I won't feel like going to class but I have to remember all that I've done to get here and how many options I'll have in life once I have a degree.

It's been 12 years since I started my college education and 5 years since my last class, so I feel a litlle anxious about starting again, but I have an equal amount of excitement and even more determination to follow through with it this time.

I'm broke as hell, but I've learned that it's better to be a broke college student than just broke.

I guess some lessons aren't learned in the classroom.

?

Why are bad habits so hard to break?

Even though I know changing them will work out better for me in the long run, I still don't change.

I know that working out will improve my mood and make me fell better about myself, but every morning, instead of putting on my gym clothes, I put on the morning news.

I know that eating right will be better for my health, but instead of having an apple I have a candy bar.

Why do I do these things?

Why do I use white strips to make my teeth whiter when I can just brush more and stop smoking?

Why do I feel bad when I'm awake at 4 in the morning when I can just take my meds and be asleep by 1o p.m.?

I have a quote posted on my desk that I see everyday but never take to heart:

Habit is stronger than reason.

I'm going to reason with myself about how much healthier I'd be if I put the smoke down and pick up the fruit, but it's going to be a long road before I can do the right thing without wanting to do the bad thing.

It's going to be much easier said than done.

Trigger Happy

Today was an angry day for me. My adolescence and young adulthood was filled with them, but today stood out because for the first time I was able to pinpoint the trigger for the anger.

This morning I was awakened by the noise of my 11 month old niece and when I went downstairs I saw that the front porch being sanded and repainted. When I asked my mother about it she said she wanted a new look for fall. I thought nothing of it. My mom left the house to run errands, but before she got back, my sister came over to pick up the baby and asked about the porch work being done. When I told her that I didn't know any details, she got a little peeved and said something about how she should have been consulted because, even though the work would eventually need to be done, my mother sometimes makes rash decisions that aren't always the best ones. When she left I continued with my day of nothing that involved sitting in front of the t.v., but about an hour later I had a strong feeling of anger and rage. I noticed that I was pacing around the house, slamming cabinets, gritting my teeth, and answering the ringing phone with an edge to my voice, so I decided to focus on the anger and try to figure out where it came from.

I realized that I was angry about my mother having the porch painted. I know I don't have a say about what she does to her house, but this bothered me because I feel like she's putting my needs on the back burner. She originally agreed to loan me money to pay a past due balance at school that would allow me to finally register for classes, but over the last two weeks she's been complaining about not having the money to loan me. How could she not have the money when she's paying someone to do a job that wasn't urgent?

After I realized the trigger I then thought about my reaction. Do I have a right to be mad about what she did, and if so, was I too mad?

With most of my emotions I have a hard time finding the right balance. I feel like I need other people's opinions, but with a lot of things about me, I haven't found someone who could relate.

Did I have the proper amount of anger?

Decisions, decisions

The days have been drab and somewhat depressing because there hasn't been anything exciting going on.

I did get some good news, but it was overshadowed by bad news.

The good news about school is that I finally got financial aid for school. I actually got much more than I need which means I'll get a nice refund check half way into the semester. The bad news is that I have to pay a previous bill of $400 in order to register for class so that I'll be able to get the financial aid. $400 isn't that much money, but considering that I don't have a steady job, it's been damnnear impossible to get. I asked some friends for a loan, which I hated doing, and only one of them actually came through. The others said they would loan me the money, but when the time came to actually out it in my hand, they conveniently disappear. Note to self: get a better class of friends.

The other good news I got was being offered two jobs. Well, one actual job and one offer for job training that would most likely lead to a job. The job is for an afterschool program coordinator, which pays okay money, would be located in my neighborhood and if not, they pay for my transportation. The job training is for a counseling position, which I was extremely exciting about, that would last 3 weeks, and would refer me to companies for full-time employment. The bad news is that both jobs start the end of September.

*sigh*

What to do what to do...

Balancing Act

I've been painting myself in a corner lately, and can't stop.

Over the past few years I've reevaluated myself and realized that I tend to come off as needy and clingy. To counteract this, I try to act more relaxed and nonchalant around others, particularly of the opposite sex. On the outside I may seem cool and laid back, but on the inside I'm a ball of nerves, obsessing over every single word said and gesture made. Thinking that I'm coming off as a go-with-the-flow kind of girl, I instead come off as a bitch who 's callous, cold hearted and detached.

I need to find a balance because I'm inadvertently pushing everyone away.

I've always had a problem with communication. Not that I don't do it, but I seem to do it too much. I regularly feel the need to voice every thoughts and emotions, thinking that it will give people an insight as to how I feel and think, but it just makes them feel uncomfortable because they're not sure if they should appreciate it or just awkwardly back away.

I need balance.

Fast.

I don't want to lose any of the few friends I still have, and I'd like to make some new ones.

I've always thought of myself as a keen observer but lately, I'm slipping. It's getting harder and harder to read people.

How do I fix this?

I don't want to live a life of solitude, but it's starting to look like I should get used to it.

Tryna Make Moves

This summer has been a seemingly futile attempt to change my life. Because of the bad luck
I've been having at finding decent employment, I signed up for vocational classes thinking it would better my chances, but nothing seems to work fast enough. the quckest turn around program is a month. In the grand pucture thats not much time at all, but given the fact that I've been umployed for months now, that seems like forever. I did have an interview for a counselor position, but that doesn't start until September, which includes three weeks of training. I'm starting to lose my mind.

I've been keeping my therapy appointments, which is a struggle for me, but my therapist doesn't keep her end of the bargain. More than once, I showed up to her office just to read a note on the door saying that she's left for the day. WTF?!

I know I'm all over the place tonight but I have so much going through my mind right now. I figure that it's better to get something on than page than nothing.

I know. It's been a while since my last post but not much has changed.

I stopped taking Geodon and tried depakote at 500 mg twice a day, and 5 mg of Zyprexa at bedtime. I haven't noticed much of a change though. I'm thinking about changing meds again, but am a little afraid because I don't want to suffer through any harsh side effects.

I've started working. Don't get too excited because it's only part time and I don't really like it. I'm a substitute teacher's assistant for special needs kids. If you don't mind being disrespected on a daily basis, it's not too bad. I've been looking for work in the meantime, but there doesn't seem to be anything out there. At least not for someone with a high school diploma.

Other than that, things are still the same.

Another One Bites the Dust

After only taking Geodon for about a week, I've decided to stop taking it.

I noticed that I was restless and more anxious on it than off.

I'm not going to go without meds but instead go back to Zyprexa. I never had any problems with it treating my illness, it was that I was sleeping too much. I guess the logical solution to that is to take them early enough so that I'm not groggy in the morning.

I also think I'm just going to stick with Zyprexa. I'm figuring that my body will adjust to the sleeping. If not, I guess I'll get back on the horse and try something else.

Back to Square One

Today I had a 1 o'clock appointment with my therapist which was purposely made for this time and day to coincide with a 2:45 appointment with my doctor.

I struggled to get out of bed and forced myself to go to the therapists appointment , only to find a note on her door reading:

'I am not seeing patients Tuesday or Wednesday'

WTF?!!

I was looking forward to this appointment because we were going to try art therapy, which Ive never done. Instead I had to wait in my doctor office for over 2 hours (he's never on time) with about 20 other patients that were pushed back or rescheduled because of the holiday.

I finally saw the doc and we decided to try yet another drug, Geodon. I trust his knowledge but when I looked up the drug, I grew hesitant.

Side effects:

severe chest pains
dizzy spells
insomnia
restlessness
weight loss
involuntary movement

A few years back I wouldn't have been so cautious, but after my trail and error of numerous drugs, I've found that I am in that small percentage of people who experience the worst batch of side effects.

At this point I have nothing to lose with trying another drug, Well, that's not entirely true. I have my sanity to lose, but with the way things have been going so far, it isn't that much.

Tonight I'm going to skip the dose of Zyprexa so that I can take the Geodon tomorrow. Hopefully all will go well. If not, I always have Big Z to fall back on.

Back to Square One

After taking Seroquel for about a week, I've decided to go back to Zyprexa. I don't like that it causes me to sleep for 12 hours or causes a strong sweet tooth that leads to extreme weight gain, but at least my mood was better. The Seroquel seemed to worsen my mood and had me thinking about suicide more than I did when I was drug-free.

I haven't talked this over with my doctor (who I'm seeing on the 21st) but I'm sure he won't protest to me making a sensible decision. I might try something new, but until then, sweet dreams.

Where Do I Start?

Serequel hasn't really been working for me. It works great as a sleep aid, but not for my moods. I see my doctor on the 21st, so I'm thinking about trying something new.

Work will be coming to an end in 2 wks. My sister will be back from maternity leave. On one hand I'm looking forward toit, but on the other hand, I'm not looking forward to being unemployed again.

Socially I've been in a funk. Don't really have any friends to hang out with or talk to. This predicament isn't entirely new to me, but I'm sick of dealing with it.

Ho Hum.