I'm A Chump, But For Good Reason

I didn't go with the plan of coming out to my family. Things happened and it was never the right time. I am prepared though with reading materials and my cue cards to stay on track. I just have to schedule a date and time. I've had other things to deal with, like my sanity. These days past have been somewhat, for lack of a better term, crazy. I've been looking for a job but my resume sucks so I haven't been getting any responses. It's hard finding a job when you don't have a college degree. Well, let me rephrase that: It's hard finding a decent job without a degree. Sure I can be a general laborer or a telemarketer, but I'm too smart for that. I also plan on going back to school in the spring and have been trying to get all the necessary paperwork together. It's something how having a degree is the way to go but it's so hard to get the paperwork together I'm surprised at how many people actually have one. It's almost like the paperwork and red tape is made to be so confusing so they can weed out the incompetant students.
One day I'll be a college graduate. Until then, I'm just a poor little girl with a dead end job.

Freedom

I know it's been a while but things happen. Got into very minor car accident Thursday morning. Very minor. Just a fender bender but it was on my way to work and it was the other driver's fault. He even admitted to it being his fault, but of course when the cop arrives to make a report, he doesn't know what happened. He said he didn't have his coffee so he doesn't remember how the accident happened.

Friday I forced myself to go to my appointment. I really didn't want to go but I know that I would have regretted not going so I forced myself out of bed and into the shower to drive to Center City to see my doc. The appointment was good. We talked about me 'coming out' to my family. They have no idea about what I'm going through, but through out my entire life, they never have. It'll be the talk of the family, but I've always been that so it shouldn't be a big deal. The plan I have is to sit them down and give them info about the disorder and let them know that this isn't a new thing for me. In my mind the plan will go great, but that's not reality. The worse thing that could happen is they completely misunderstand and assume that I am over reacting. Whatever happens, in the end I'll have a clean conscience knowing that I'm not hiding a terrible secret anymore. The execution date is tomorrow. I have the printed material and even made note cards so I can stay on track. Now I just have to get up the nerve to make the call for a family meeting. Wish me luck.

HURAHH!!!

Yesterday was such a good day for me. I finally saw a therapist!!! I got the time mixed up and showed up about 2 hours late and wasn't really feeling leaving the house because of the weather, but I made it and was seen immediately. The first 20 mins or so were spent covering my paperwork, then the last 40 mins were spent talking about me (which I love doing). It was refreshing to just let go and talk to someone who's paid to listen to my crap. I had been preparing for weeks about what to talk about but of course it was an entirely different story when I got there. Without going into too much detail, I have a lot of issues with 'mother' that needs to be addressed. Soon. The appt ended and it was good. I felt like I said enough for the moment and held back enough to jump right into the next appt. I felt good for a change and can't wait until next week.

No Candy For You

Since my last post I've been pushing through. Work has become something that I no longer enjoy and life is something that I'm ready to to take a break from. I've managed to keep myself together in public but the nights have been hard.

I had an appt with a doc for more meds yesterday afternoon, and since it was close to my work, I walked. Driving has made me miss the sights of the city. I miss feeling the fall's cool breeze, watching the kids make fun of each other as they get out of school, and city's skyline. The appt. was much better than the other's I've had. I didn't have to wait for an hour just to be rushed to make room for the following patient. The doc was kind, sympathetic, caring and very soft spoken. He gave me more free meds and kindly told me to have a good day.

My plans for the evening were to have an early dinner with co-workers and then see Amy Sedaris at the free library on Vine. Dinner was cool, but I was anxious to get to the library. I was afraid that we wouldn't be let in, so I calmly let my co-workers know that we must get there as soon as possible. 'We'll make it in time.' 'I can't imagine that it would be that crowded'. This was coming from a person who had never heard of Sedaris and was only going because it was free. Well, I don't need to tell you that she was dead wrong. We got there just in time to join the crowd that wasn't allowed in because they were past capacity. Great. So I ended the night reluctantly driving home alone. Just like every other night.

What A Ride!

Friday
-laundry
-Home Depot for paint supplies
-Jomar's for fabric and ended up getting shoes as well
-Staple's for stereo adapter for my iPod
-desk and t.v. table delivered from my cousin





Saturday
-hung out with an ex-co worker who's now a friend
-had brunch
-Full Circle and 2nd Mile thrift stores
-Terror Behind the Walls
-friend's house for baked apples (sooo good)





Sunday
-freaked out because I lost my meds
-looked for them for 8 hours!
-cried myself to sleep




Monday
-work
-after work coffee with co worker
-came home and found my meds

Confession

I am terribly lonely.