Thirty-Six and Counting

During the last week or so, I've noticed a change. I no longer sleep for more than 10 hours, waking up like I'm coming out of a coma. Instead, I'm either having the drowsiness of wanting to sleep, lying in bed for about an hour before dozing off for 15-30 minutes, waking up bright-eyed and bushy tailed. Or I'm staying awake all night, worried that I'm going to miss a phone call from a friend in need or an urgent knock at the door, only to have 12 boring, anxious hours pass and be as bored then as I was the night before.

I've been awake since 10 a.m. Saturday morning (it is now 10:30 p.m. Sunday night). Even though I haven't slept, I've managed to make it to work today, not only on time, but early. And I had a pretty good day. I thought I would crash in the afternoon, but I managed to slide right through the grogginess that comes with insomnia, but couldn't avoid the haziness of a 36 hour day. Seeing how I was able to survive, I'm kinda thinking about trying it again.

My body wants to relax, but for some reason, my brain is telling me that it must keep moving. That there are too many thoughts for my head to hold, so I must put them to paper. And once they're on paper, I must organize them so they'll make sense to an outsider. This is what my brain tells me everynight, but lately, I haven't been able to fight it. I don't have a sparkling clean house which results from hours of idle hands. I have numerous pages of journal entries from a bustling brain.

I've taken my meds but I'll be seeing the doctor this week to try something new.

I'm not going to give in and continue my too long day. I'm going to compromise by writing a little. Maybe just a few pages, then force myself to go to bed. No matter how much I'm going to want to get up, I'm going to remind myself that my journal will be there in morning. And if it's something too important to not record, I won't forget it.

Shoulda Known

Last night I hung out with my co-workers to start the season off with a bang. I officially met a new employee who works in the administrative offices. I had seen here around but never knew her name. We introduced ourselves and talked about our positions, and then it happened: she asked me what I did outside of work. This happens every year. My job is pretty off-beat but it does require an unspoken level of versatility. With every new year, there is always that getting to know you phase where everyone compares their backgrounds and interest. Suffice it to say, I do not enjoy this period. A college degree isn't required but most employees have them. Last year I was one of three people without one, and this year I am alone. When she asked me about my background, I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to lie (i'm not very good at it) but I did want to hold up my end of the conversation. I told her that I am about to start school again and am really looking forward to it. Of course she asked me what I was going for (creative writing) then proceeded to question my background with it. 'Where are you going?', 'What do you write?', 'What do you plan to do with that?', etc., etc. Apparently going to a community college with the the habit of writing everyday but not the structure wasn't enough. She ended the conversation by politely saying that she needed to speak with someone else. Once again, I was the fool of the night. No matter how many times I go through this little song and dance, I always feel like I can't keep up.

Another Late Night

Not sure why I'm even up this late. I haven't been able to sleep at a decent hour all week. I decided to not depend on the sleeping pills too much, but it always ends up with me staring at the ceiling for hours at a a time. I recently decided to start my psych sessions again, but I was too wrapped up in my job that I missed my appointment today. I'll reschedule it first thing this morning. I don't really believe in cognitive therapy but at the same time I do think that venting to a professional instead of my 'friends' will benefit me more. At this point I need all the help that I can get. I want to make some changes in my life but I honestly scared. I know that trying something different will be exciting, but I don't know if I can take any more failure.

I'm gonna try to get some sleep.

Here We Go Again

I've pretty much been awake the past 36 hours. Of course that wasn't the plan, but it didn't turn out that way.

-Woke up at 4 a.m. Thursday morning to eat a bowl of cereal, then went back to sleep
-Woke up again just to see that it was 8 a.m.
-Got out of bed at 1 p.m.
-Went to voter registration party at 8 and was back by 10, because I had to go to work early on Friday
-Took my sleeping pills (Tylenol) around 10:30
-Fell asleep at 11:30 just to wake up at 11:45
-Laid in bed until 3 a.m.
-Realized that I wasn't going back to sleep so I just read my old journals
-Went to work from 8 a.m. to 6 p.m.
-Been on the computer ever since

I'm going to try it again tonight, but I won't be surprised if I watch the sun come up again.

Table For One

Tonight I had a training session at work with my co-workers (more on my job later) and decided to sit between two of the new staff members. I was going over the menu with someone and we started talking about meat. One of the new staffers decided to take this opportunity to discuss her political views on meat consumption and production in the U.S.

The major reason for her becoming a vegetarian was that the meat available in this country causes her to feel disconnected from the animal. She can live without meat but if she was hungry enough she would feel better about being able to hunt and kill the animal herself.

My manager responded with, ‘Well, how do you feel about trees?… If you wanted to write badly enough would you go out and chop a tree down?’

While she tried to answer his question, he stated how meat has proven to be beneficial to the human body.

She responded by naming countries that have a meat processing system that allows the carnivore the benefits of meat and a feeling of connection with the animal.

‘They’re alive’, she said.

He counteracted with, ‘They might be alive, but they’re barely living’

I’m all for freedom of speech, but it’s tricky when you’re in mixed company. Especially if that company is future co-workers. Her opinion didn’t bother me at all, but the way she voiced it did.

She took the innocent mentioning of meat dishes available on the menu as her platform to spark a heated debate. That was totally unnecessary.

Not only will this season be more interesting than the last, but now I know who not to sit next to in the future.

Just Like Old Times

Today while giving an impromptu tour, my phone went off. I discretely checked it and noticed that I had a picture message from my friend Brian.

I’ve known him for about 8 years now and we used to hang out very often. Just this morning I was thinking about inviting him over since I hadn’t seen him in a few months. I consider him one of my few close friends because he’s always been there for me, whether it was to listen to me vent, help me move, or to just kill time. Although we are very close, I’ve never looked at him romantically. And in my mind, I thought he just saw me as one of the guys. ]

I thought it was strange for him to send me a picture because he’s never done that before. He usually just calls or leaves a message.

Once I finished the tour, I checked my mail and was speechless. He sent me a picture of his genitals!

I was surprised. Not because of the content, but because it was from him. The only thing I could think about was how I tend to see more penises out of context then the average person. Of course those images are expected when watching porno or having sex, but I’ve seen quite a few in public places. In my early twenties there was a period of time where I would see them around the city. Not graffiti penises but the real thing.

Once while taking the subway, I sat across from an older gentleman masturbating.

Another time I was walking by church steps where a homeless man was playing with himself.

And another time I sat a few chairs down from a man in the library with extremely short shorts on and apparently no underwear.

I don’t know what it is about me that attracts these sort of images.

I guess I’ll treat Brian’s picture mail like I treated those strange men - - look at it, then act like it never happened.

At A Loss

After going to a poetry open mic night a few weeks ago I was inspired to write a new piece. I haven't shared this with anyone because I'm not sure if this is the final draft and because it is really sad. I've always wanted to be a songwriter so I think this will be the start of my first song. I'm a little hesitant with getting it out there because songwriting is so personal, but at the same time I would like for people to see the world through my eyes.

Tired of these lonely nights
And I can't put up this fight
Too much longer
Sick of feeling this way
But I'm too afraid to change
I'm just like my mother
Been here one too many times
I'm about to lose my mind
Can't live like this
I don't know what to do
I'm so used to being blue
Maybe I can't be fixed

Too ashamed to ask for help
I must do this by myself
I'm too stubborn
Though I feel that I'm too old
I just need a hand to hold
Give me some comfort
Just say this phase will cease
That my mind will be at ease
Even if you don't mean it
It'll distract me from this pain
Don't know exactly when it came
But it ain't leavin'

Torn in between
The life that I lead
And the person I want to be
Can't make up my mind
I'm running out of time
Do I stay in the comfort of hurt?
Or find my true worth?
Give me a clue
I don't know what to do

Don't want to runaway
Cause the problems stay the same
No matter the location
Just need a change of scenery
To escape my reality
Cause it's just making me frustrated
I'm at a loss as to how to change it

The Sandman Doesn't Like Me

Had an okay day. Feeling a little tired now, but that shouldn't be too surprising since I got about 4 hours of sleep last night. Since I have trouble falling asleep, I was prescribed 100 mg. of Trazodone. I was taking that provincially but after a few doses, it didn't work, so I bumped it up to 200. The only thing it helped was stomach pain. I had very bad cramps for about 3 hours, accompanied with a fever and chills. I decided to go with Tylenol PM's and they seemed to have been working until last night. I took 2 around 9 p.m. but didn't get to sleep until about 4 a.m. My mind was racing. My body was tired where I just wanted to lie down but my mind was wide awake. I tried to think of something soothing, like the heavens, but that just caused anxiety because I have a fear of heights. I thought about being in elementary school when I had no worries, but that lead me to thinking about my best friend in 6th grade who dumped me for cooler friends in 7th grade. I relax my body from head to toe but that lead me to thinking about how I neglect personal hygiene. I couldn't win last night. I don't even know how I did it, but I remember seeing that it was 4, then hearing my alarm at 8. Tonight I'm just going to have a cup of tea, put on some soothing music and force myself to not think about anything. Easier said than done, but I'm going to force myself to do it tonight.

Just Another Day

I'm trying to not have such a somber outlook on things and don't want this to be so sad, but the reality of it is that I have a sad life. I don't do much outside of work. And that's not even exciting anymore. When I do have to work, I drag myself in, get the job done and come home to nothing. On my days off, like today, I wake up around 9, have a cup of coffee and a smoke, and do nothing but surf the net. I don't have anyone to talk to, no one to see, and nothing to do. Money is tight right now, so I can't even kill time at the movies. The least I can do with my days is post something. No matter what it is or what I say, I'll have ot on record that I did something. So, until next time.