Loop-de-Loop

I took my first dose of 10mg of Zyprexa last night at 9. I was knocked out by 11 and woke up (late) at 8 this morning. I was a little sleepy this morning but I thought it would wear off by the time I got to work and had some coffee. Wrong!!! I was sleepy/drowsy/loopy all day and still am as I write this. I was thirsty and I had a huge lunch. Well huge fro me. I ate and entire cheesesteak, which I've never done in my whole life. I don't want to blame all the changes on the meds but I noticed the small changes. I'm going to try to force myself to stay awake until at least 10 but I can't make any promises. It's still early to see the full effects but this stuff isn't so bad.

Here We Go

Well, the appt went... okay. It was scheduled for 12:30, so I got there at 12:15 just to sit there for 35 mins until I was seen. I was pissed and that wasn't a good since I was seeing the person that was going to give me drugs. I tried my best to keep my composure but my biggest pet peeve is tardiness. I finally saw the doc and we quickly went over the 2 hour form that was filled out during intake 6 wks ago. After about 35 mins of hysterically crying while listing my symptoms, she went off to another office to see if she could get me some samples. Thank the heavens because she found some. She gave me a 4 wk supply of Zyprexa that I'm to take once a night before bedtime. The hardest part was over. I had to go back to the waiting room and schedule an appt for a psych that would see me once a week. My patience was running low, and of course, it was tried again. I don't know if that was a new secretary or too many people were scheduled but I never got my appt. I was too impatient and just told her that I would call later to sched the appt. My meter was running out and I wasn't going to put more money in there just to sched an appt that would take about 5 minute. I got my drugs and that was all that I was worried about. Now I have to get up the nerve to take them.

Wish Me Luck

I am about to go to my long awaited appointment. It's been a month since I've gone through intake and a lot has happened since then: I've posted an ad on craigslist, had hallucinations, uncontrollable thoughts, lack of concentration, and went to the emergency room for all this just to have them charge me $150 to turn me away because I wasn't a danger to myself or to others. As long as I've waited for this appointment I'm scared. I don't know what to expect. I don't how long I'll be there, what questions are going to be asked, and most importantly, what meds are going to be given. I know this is a big step in the right directions, but a little part of me wants to stay home and do what I've been doing-wait to die.
See you in a few hours.

How Not To Piss Me Off

I was upset last night not just because my friend was being obnoxious but more so because I wasn't standing up for myself. This morning I was still upset about it and wrote some rules that every person should know but going by my friend, some people don't.

Rule 1: If we are talking about a personal issue of mine and a 3rd party joins us, don't ask me in front of the other person if it's okay to continue our other conversation. If I didn't conintue, then it's too personal to talk about in front of outside company.

Rule 2: if a 3rd party joins us and you have to talke in code about a personal issue of mine (or yours) in front of the other person, then the issue is not to be discussed at the moment. Be patient and wait to talk about it when you can speak freely.

Rule 3: If you have to ask me in front of the 3rd party if they know about a certain story that I told you, then it means they don't. if I didn't bring up the story, then I don't want to talk about. And if they don't know about it, that means I didn't want them to know.

Rule 4: If you have to whisper to someone in front of other people, then that means you shouldn't discuss the subject at that time. If it can't be discussed with everyone present, then wait until you have privacy to talk about it openly. Doing this is just plain rude!!!

I don't know if this happens with anyone else's friends but these rules should be passed around to keep respect within friendships.

Cheers

I think I got this smell hallucination figured out. My work day was fairly well. Things were a little tenses with a lot of the staff but no one really said anything. I was very busy for the last hour and had to stay an extra after work. i was okay with staying behind because I had a drink date with a friend of mine. I hate to have someone waiting so i rushed through my work to make sure I would be done by 6:30, which is when I was supposed to meet for drinks. I get to the bar on time and my friend didn't show up until 6:50. Then we had to go to CVS to pick up a prescription and a few other things. I was looking for forward to seeing her because she was my rock when i started to slip a few months ago. When I had no one to talk to, she would meet with me every week and bear through hearing me rant about everything I thought was wrong with my life. I know going to the store was a little thing, but it just pissed me off that i didn't have her full attention. I had a lot of things on the list to talk about and we still hadn't even sat down yet. On the way back from the store, we saw a mutual friend and had to talk to her for a few minutes. I kept a smile on my face but I was not in the mood to play nice. Get to the bar and another mutual friend was there so we had to join him. He was in a funk also because he has a lot of work that needs to be done ASAP and no one is helping him with it. I know how it feels to want to get something off of your chest so I just tried to make him feel better. We sat with him for about an hour, then as he was going out the door, ANOTHER mutual friend stopped by. I couldn't believe. I hadn't talked about anything that was bothering me and I knew at this point that I wasn't. This time it was a done deal. I kindly stayed seated, put on a smile and faked my through a conversation that I did not want to have. I spent 3 hours playing a bit player in a play that I thought I would be the star of. This is when the all too familiar but indescribable smell can around. the last time I smelled it was in this bar so I thought that was the origin, but I can still smell it. I've been out the bar for about an hour now, and have driven around and showered but I still smell it. The only thing I can come up with is that in tense situations where I hold my anger in, I'm surrounded by this manly aroma. Maybe next time I'll make a date at an obscure hole in the wall where none of my friends will be. Or I could just be like a normal self-confident person and speak up for myself.

These Days

When Will I Learn?

Sorry for the lapse in posts but things happen. I finally have my car and it is fixed. I needed my clutch aligned and was hesitant about getting it done because it would be expensive and it's hard finding a mechanic you can trust. I know nothing about cars. If it takes gas and the brakes work, then I'm good. I wasn't in a hurry to get it fixed because I had my sisters car but I finally decided to take it in because I didn't know how long I would have her car. I found out that a mechanic lives right aross the street from me so I took my car there and told him what the problem was: my clutch was very loose, sometimes I couldn't go into reverse, and sometimes reverse and 1st gear work as the other. He told me that he would be happy to get the job done and he would even set up a payment plan if need be. I gave him the keys and told him I'd be back in a few days. This was August 2nd. When I got home I told my mother that I put the car into the shop. She thought it would be better to wait because I had my sister's car. I told her that I didn't know how long I would have her car and I'd rather get my car fixed while I had some type of wheels, then be shit out of luck when she'll need her car back and mine was still in the shop. My mother didn't agree with my thinking, but she knew I was going to things my way regardless. The very next day my sister needed her car back and didn't know when she'd be able to give it back to me. I was shit out of luck. For the next few days I managed to get a ride to and from work from my sister. I went to the mechanic and he told me that my car needed a piece that he was looking for at the junkyard but couldn't find it. I told him to just order the piece because I needed my car. This was August 9th. My sisters schedule changed so she was only able to pick me up from work. This was a problem. I had to take public transportation. Now I'm not knocking SEPTA. I used to ride the train for fun. But that was when I didn't have a place to be. Taking the bus to work means I have to wake up 40 mins earlier and I can't get my coffee until I get to work. I was in hell. But I dealt with it because I would have my car in a few days or so. I couldn't have been more wrong. I was extremely patient so I waited 9 days before I checked on the mechanic. I went to his shop at 11 this morning. It was closed but my car was parked in front. I took a peek inside and noticed that the door was unlocked. I got in and on the floor were the damn car keys sitting next to a rib bone. KEYS SITTING NEXT TO A FUCKING RIB BONE!!! There were ashes on the floor and 4 paint stains on the seat. WHAT THE FUCK?!!! I immediately got in, started it up and went to put it in 1st. It wouldn't move. I tried for 5 mins to get it in 1st but it wouldn't go. He had my car for 2 weeks and made it worse than when I dropped it off. Thanks goodness I was able to get it in 2nd and have it start from there. I parked the car in front of my house and made some phone calls. Within 30 mins I found a VW specialist less than a mile away. Took it in at 12:30 and picked it up by 8. Same day service for a reasonable price. I couldn't thank the mechanic enough. The only reason I went to the neighborhood guy was because it was convenient and I thought I was helping him out with business. Now I know better. I'm happy to have my car up and running but I'm also mad that everytime I try to help someone else out I get the shitty end of the deal. When will I learn my lesson?

They're All Gonna Laugh At You*

Monday I finished the work day in the gift shop (I work in a museum) where we politely let people know that they need to get the fuck out so we can leave. Every time I want to get straight home, there is always a few people who like to linger. For some reason they think the museum gradually closes piece by piece. They think the actual museum closes at 5 but the gift shop will stay open as long as they like.

Yesterday, at 5:10 a woman and her son were looking at a book about prisons. When I admitted them to the site, it was obvious that she and her son had some mental problems. Not the normal obnoxious type of people who gets on your nerves. This woman and her son were clearly mental. As clear as I was with directions, admittance price and how the site works, and after repeatedly telling them this, they still looked at me like I had 5 eyes.

When she put the book down, she just blurted out, 'I don't believe in prisons.'

I turned around, expecting to see who she was talking to, but she was talking to herself. Again she said, 'I don't believe in prisons.' I knew I should have just let it go, but she needed to let something off of her chest, so I took the bait. 'Oh. So you believe in the death penalty?', I said.

'No.'

'Rehabilitation instead incarceration?'

'No.'

'Well, what do you believe in?'

She casually moved closer to me and within 10 inches of my face, intense eye contact, and her son by her side she said...

'Castration. I think every criminal should be castrated five minutes after conviction. It worked in Europe, so they need to do it here. It's cheaper than a prison and the crime rate will go down by 30% if not more.'

Before she could finish the sentence, her son asked what would be done to females.

'Sterilization.'

I couldn't believe it.

Her son was getting very impatient, so he ushered her out the door ranting to the general public.

I couldn't believe it. I had tons of questions, but more concerning her home life. What does she do for a living? What condition does she and her son have? How long has she known? What, if any, medications are they taking? What is their family history? Does she hinder his life? Or help it? Etc. Etc.

She is what I love about my job. I would have never had that conversation in a different setting. Compared to some people, I am extremely abnormal, but to people like her, I am the straightest arrow in the bunch.

*seeing her brought to mind a scene from a classic movie, hence the title. Can you guess which movie the title is from?

Things Happen For A Reason

So. Was called into work today and was very against it because I have Sundays off. Get to work and everything is going as usual- busy, busy, busy. Decided to spend my lunch break at CVS to get some much needed (and wanted) things. On my way there I was thinking about a friend of mine whom I haven't talked to in over a month and was worried about because he recently stopped taking his depression medication. Less than 5 feet away, I look up and this friend is sitting on the corner having lunch at the local restaurant. I have a seat and catch up with him.

Convo is getting good and I'm enjoying the nice lunch surprise, and I happen to look ahead at oncoming traffic and notice that the car that's stopped at the corner is driven by my ex-boyfriend.

The ex-boyfriend of 6 months that totally screwed me over, mentally abused me for over 3 yrs and hasn't stopped calling me since we broke up (I guess his current girlfriend isn't putting up with his shit as much as I did).

As soon I noticed it was him, I immediately turned my head and continued the convo. A few hours later, my phone rings. Guess who it is? The psycho ex. Ignored the call, like I have been for the past 6 months, and made plans to meet with a girlfriend over dinner and drinks. Sitting at dinner, my phone rings again. Guess who it was that time? The psycho ex, AGAIN!!! Can you believe it?!!! If I haven't taken his call in 6 fucking months, what makes him that I'm going to take it now??? Had this happened when we broke up, I would've taken the call with no problem, and probably walked right back into an abusive relationship. But I'm stronger now, and know much better than that. I guess it took me to work on my day off to realize how strong I am. There was a bigger reason for me to work today, and it felt so good to see that.

Never Good With Titles

A lot of television and a lot of self-loathing. I noticed that I'm smelling things that aren't there. I first noticed it about 2 months ago. I went out for drinks with some friends and one of them got so drunk that they stumbled out of the bar and left their hat behind. I knew that they wouldn't come back for it, since they were too drunk to even know that they were leaving the bar, so I put the hat in my bag and took it home with me. When I got home, I placed the bag on my bureau, so I would remember to take it to work the next day, and noticed that men's cologne was in the air. I just assumed it was from the hat and paid no attention to it. About 3 weeks ago when I was driving my sister's car, I noticed the same smell in the car. Again, I didn't think about it. I just thought she had a male friend in the car who had on too much of the same cologne on that my friend was wearing when we went out for drinks. Just yesterday, I was at the bar and once again, the same cologne was in the air!!! it was driving me so crazy that I went to the bathroom to see if it was the soap I used, and I harassed the bartender and made him let me smell him. The smell was driving me crazy!!! It doesn't stink at all. If I knew what it was and even if its in stores, I would buy it for a friend, but I can't place the smell!!! I don't know if the smell is actually there and I just don't know the name of it, or if I'm really losing it more and more. Don't know. If any body's experienced this, please let me know what the hell is going on.

Get This Monkey Off My Back

Sorry for the lapse in posts but I have admitted and succumbed to my problem: television. For months I tried to deny it, and suffered through a cable-less world, but I had it installed on Tuesday and haven't turned the t.v. off since then. Well, I turned it off this morning when I went to work, but I proudly turned it on as soon as I got into the house. I couldn't wait. I've been reunited with my old favs: Futurama, Good Times, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and the classic Roseanne(it's my guilty pleasure). And I've been introduced to a new friend-Project Runway. I've seen an episode here and there but with the marathon being on yesterday, I couldn't turn away. It was absolutely fab-u-lous.
Can't talk much longer. My show is on.

Not Again

I hate how small things bother the fuck out of me. As you can see, I didn't have a good day. Nothing major, but I wasn't in the right frame of mind.

My car is in the shop and I had to get a ride to work, which means I had to rely on someone to be on time. I don't like doing that. I've always been fairly independent so I'm used to doing things on my own time and how I want them done. Getting a ride was stressful because the driver didn't take the same route that I take, and they don't drive as cautiously as I do, and they don't listen to the same kind of music. And the biggest thing that made me nervous and is very annoying is that they use their cell phone while driving!!!

I thought that was banned a few years ago and fines are to be given out, but I guess I was wrong because we passed plenty of cop cars and they did nothing.

Once I was at work, I had to deal. Every small thing said made me want to smack the fuck out the speaker. Whether it was what they said, or how they said it, I just wanted to smack them. I knew at that point that I needed to keep to myself for the day. I made no eye contact and didn't say a word unless I was spoken to. That carried me throughout the day.

I was able to get some coffee and a nice salad for lunch, which made me feel better. Going home was another story.

The drive home wasn't as bad as the ride to work because I knew what to expect, but I found out that I will be without my car until Thursday (uuuugggghhhh) and that my mother is completely oblivious to my state of mind. I must admit that I am not the most approachable person at times, but given the fact that we have been living under the same roof for a while now, I would think that she would be in tune with how my days are going. She asks me how I'm doing, and once I reply with, 'Fine', then her work is done. Doesn't matter how I sound or how I look. As long as the word is 'fine', or 'o.k.', then everything is good for her. Little did she know that I was on the verge of tears. I've been extremely anxious, frustrated, and down right angry, and can't figure out what to do about it.

I've been writing all day and everyday and the same words keep coming out:'I don't like the place that I'm in but I don't know how to leave.' I'm very frustrated that I feel like there is nothing I can do about these moods without medication, which is still 21 days away. And that's just to see the doc for the first time and pray that I get a script for something. I can't keep going through this. Something has seriously got to give and it has to be soon. I don't know what to do.

India Arie Knows Where's Its At

The time is right I’m gonna pack my bags
And take that journey down the road
Cause over the mountain I see the bright sun shining
And I want to live inside the glow
I wanna go to a place where I am nothing and everything
That exist between here and nowhere
I wanna go to a place where time has no consequences, oh yeah
The sky opens to my prayers

I wanna go to a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
I wanna go to a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
I wanna go to a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
I wanna go to a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

Please understand that its not that I don’t care
But right now these walls are closing in on me
I love you more than I love life itself
But I need to find a place where I can breathe
I can breathe

I wanna go to a place where I can hold the intangible
And let go of the pain with all my might
I wanna go to a place where I’m suspended in ecstasy
Some where between dark and light
Where wrong becomes right

I wanna go to a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
I wanna go to a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
I wanna go to a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
I wanna go to a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

Praise Be!!!

My work day is officially over!!! What a day it has been. Busy Busy Busy. My mood was a little better as the day went on, but I was somewhat high by midday. My words were a little slower than usual, but I had tons of nervous energy. I was literally bouncing up and down at one point. I had to stop because it was a little scary for me. I don't think I ever had that experience before. I made sure that I didn't have too much sugar and I had a pretty decent lunch, so I don't know why I had sooo much energy. I was very antsy and felt like everyone was moving too slow. I was also afraid to say inappropriate things to the customers, so I really had to think about what I was saying, but I was talking to everyone. I'm not usually a conversation starter, so this was a sign that I should really try to keep my mouth shut.
Damn these mixed moods.

I Made It Through Another Day

Compromised on the shower bit. Washed the vital parts in the sink. I know it's disgusting and I am now embarassed by it, but, hey. So what. Had a trying day at work. Just wasn't up for the usual bull that comes with my job, but I had to do what I had to do.Just like everyone else. When I had an actual moment where I wanted to talk to someone, no one was around, so I talked to myself. I never realized it before but I do that pretty often. It's not like there's a voice talking back, but I find myself having a conversation with myself. Weird. And somewhat frightening. I guess I'm more comfortable at home, which is where I do it often, but I have to stop myself from speaking when I'm out in public. The only thing that got me through the day was after work drinks. met with the girls and fella and talked about the mundane annoyances with the job and our upcoming plans. Of course I was the only one with nothing going on. Ready to call a night. I will definitely shower. A full one, and I might even shave (HORAY!!).

Whatever Continued

I haven't showered in 52 hours. And I am okay with that. Granted, I haven't been around anyone in 26 hours, so there's no one to complain about the odor, but with indoor plumbing available, I should take full advantage of that. Whatever. I have to work tomorrow and I know its going to busy, which means I have to interact with a lot of people which means I have to be interestd and interesting which means I have to be in a good mood which means I have to act all day. With all that on plate for tomorrow, the only thing that I'm not looking forward to is showering. I suck.

Whatever

One of the those days where I didn't, and still don't, feel like doing anything. I woke up pretty early but because I haven't been sleeping normally the past few days, I caught up on sleep. I knowthere is no such thing as catching up, but I did what I could. Didn't eat until 3 and it was only a bowl of cereal. Smoked liked crazy though.
thinking about getting stuff for the house, but I know how extreme I can get, so I'm going to try to put it off until next week, so I don't run out of money.
Not much else is going on.

there IS a method to my madness

After creating the blog and getting excited about things to add to liven up the page, it dawned on me that I'm a hypocrite. You might've realized that the moment you read this bare page but the thought didn't pop into my head until today. How can I own my disorder while concealing my identity? Well, it's all for family. They have no idea that I constantly struggle with my sanity. Well, let me rephrase that-they've always pointed me out as the piece that didn't fit and this will just prove them right.

Growing up I was always called out for my different taste in music, film, t.v., and hobbies. No matter what it was, it was always different. I initially embraced my uniqueness and was proud that I preferred reading to playing, or drawing to t.v., but as I got older I realized that they weren't praising my eccentricities, they were condemning them. What I first heard as,'You're so different', in an up-beat, refreshing voice, turned into,'You're sooo different. Why can't you just be like us?' I instantly felt betrayed. I couldn't understand why my family, who was supossed to to be unconditionally loving, was ashamed of me. I love my family to death and know that my irratic behavior is to blame also, but they can be so uncaring at times. Granted they didn't (and still don't) know the warning /symptoms, but you don't need a background in psychology to see that a person who is often moody, withdrawn, and anxious needs some kind of help. Whatever the reason may be that they didn't acknowledge my behavior, they are excused and I will bring them into the light. I must take baby steps though.

As much as I want to open up my life to them, I also want them to know that I'm not pointing fingers and they don't have to change. At least not yet. I just ask, not for their opinions, but their support. But a small part of me is afraid that they will betray me again. Things take time and I am willing to be patient for acceptance. Until then, out of respect for my family, my identity will remain anonymous, but my madness definitely won't.

A Brother's Love

My backwards thinking and doing got me again. I should've started the blog off with this post, but I wasn't thinking clearly, which happens to me too often.

The reason for this blog came about in an off handed kind of way. I recently went through a pretty bad 'episode' ( I like to call them that since I like television so much), had no one to talk to about it and posted an ad on craigslist . I thought I would only get responses from stupid people telling me to go kill myself or I'm the reason why men are afraid to date women, etc., etc. I guess I just needed someone to prove that I existed, since breathing doesn't do that for me sometimes. Within a few hours, I got tons of responses from sincere and caring people who related to my symptoms, offered advice, and even offered their professional services. One e-mailer directed me to the site she found the craigslist post on, and I couldn't believe it. My cry for help was actually answered.

Liz Spikol, managing editor of Philadelphia Weekly, who has a blog of her own, dedicated a blog post and song of the day to me!!! Little ol' me!!! You can check out her site here . I had always been a fan of hers because of her honesty and bravery for owning her disorder. Somehow I missed her leap from paper to web, but no more. I am now an avid fan, and have already ripped through her archives. Fast forward to today--I was talking with a co-worker about our condition (she suffers also from the big B.D.), how I found Liz's blog, and how, in doing research for support groups and general mental health facilities for the working but uninsured, I was coming up empty handed. I also mentioned that, now that I know the symptoms, and know from experience that family members can be either close-minded about seeking treatment or just in plain ol' denial, I see how prevalent mental illness is in the Black community. All she could say was, 'You should start a blog'. I thought it over and in one second I felt both competent and inferior. Competent enough in the fact that I know what I feel is real and now know that I am not alone, but inferior because I know I procrastinate, over analyze and nit pick at the smallest details. But if you're reading this, then you know that I am feeling competent right now. And also a little too bright-eyed considering that I have to wake up at 7 a.m. tomorrow. If I'm going to have manic episodes, I might as well put them to good use and get the word out.

So, with this blog, I intend to compile as much info as I possibly can about the mental health facilities in the area (emphasis on intend) and reassure people that the battle can be won. The first step is owning the problem. For years I thought I just needed 'a little motivation', or I had to 'put it in God's hands', or any other phrase that non-bipolar people say, but it took me 5 years to own my madness. I hate to quote Dr. Phil, but 'if you don't own it, you can't change it'.

Thanks Philly.

Satan's Taint

I've lived in Philly my entire life and I'm still not used the awful summer heat. Every year I am in shock at how people can go about their day as if the humidity isn't taking their breath away. I know you gotta do what you gotta do, but it's days like this that the weather should be an excusable reason to miss work. If we can have snow days, why can't we have hot days? There should be an allotment of calendar days at every job that people can call their superior and say,' Can't make it to work today because its as hot as Satan's taint. I put the a.c. on, been drinking a lot of water and staying indoors. So, hopefully it'll pass and I'll be in tomorrow, but I'll call you to let you know.' I guess that would only work in utopia for people that work outdoors, like me, but even in a perfect world, I'd still feel guilty about calling out.