Over the last few weeks I've unexpectedly been having more and more thoughts about God. I don't recall an incidence that bought these thoughts about, I just realized that I've been pondering his existence. Well, not really his existence (even though that question has come up), but the reason behind my belief in his existence. I do believe in God, but the more I think about it, my belief is is out of fear and habit.
I was raised in a Christian home and engaged in the typical religious activities. Church on Sunday and holidays, praying before meals and in times of need, and going to bible camp over the summer. I can't say that I loved church, but it was a part of my weekly activities that I grew accustomed to.
Not until I was about 12 did I start to have questions. I started to doubt the sermon and the true intent of the pastor. It never made sense to me that, in order for me to get closer to God, I had to go through his 'servant', i.e. the pastor. And in order to receive my blessings I had to give money. What I thought was extortion, others believed to be tithes. I tries not to question anything, but the more I stayed the silent the angrier I became.
After a while, I slowly stopped going to Sunday services, but there was no way I could get out of going on Easter. In my family, all missed services throughout the year can be made up on Easter Sunday. When I voiced my opinion to my mother, all hell broke loose. Looking back I should have just sat through a boring service, because my mother just yelled at me for 2 hours about my evil ways.
As the years passed, I realized that church isn't for me. I can still have a relationship with God without sitting through a sermon. To compensate for the sermons I've bought books on how to interpret the Bible and religious dictionaries.
I don't know if the new information raised more questions about my beliefs but I started wonder: do I believe in God out of fear or love? Do I fear that my disbelief will ultimately hurt me, or if my love will save me?
I'm at a crossroads. I don't want to love something that doesn't exist. I'll feel like a fool. But, I don't want to deny his presence. And, how will I know if he actually exist? Or doesn't exist? I could love and serve him anyway, but wouldn't he know that I don't have true love in my heart? He is an all-knowing God.
Because I come from a somewhat religious family, I can't dare ask for their opinions. At least not yet. But I need some input.
Do you believe in God? Why/Why not?
No comments:
Post a Comment