After creating the blog and getting excited about things to add to liven up the page, it dawned on me that I'm a hypocrite. You might've realized that the moment you read this bare page but the thought didn't pop into my head until today. How can I own my disorder while concealing my identity? Well, it's all for family. They have no idea that I constantly struggle with my sanity. Well, let me rephrase that-they've always pointed me out as the piece that didn't fit and this will just prove them right.
Growing up I was always called out for my different taste in music, film, t.v., and hobbies. No matter what it was, it was always different. I initially embraced my uniqueness and was proud that I preferred reading to playing, or drawing to t.v., but as I got older I realized that they weren't praising my eccentricities, they were condemning them. What I first heard as,'You're so different', in an up-beat, refreshing voice, turned into,'You're sooo different. Why can't you just be like us?' I instantly felt betrayed. I couldn't understand why my family, who was supossed to to be unconditionally loving, was ashamed of me. I love my family to death and know that my irratic behavior is to blame also, but they can be so uncaring at times. Granted they didn't (and still don't) know the warning /symptoms, but you don't need a background in psychology to see that a person who is often moody, withdrawn, and anxious needs some kind of help. Whatever the reason may be that they didn't acknowledge my behavior, they are excused and I will bring them into the light. I must take baby steps though.
As much as I want to open up my life to them, I also want them to know that I'm not pointing fingers and they don't have to change. At least not yet. I just ask, not for their opinions, but their support. But a small part of me is afraid that they will betray me again. Things take time and I am willing to be patient for acceptance. Until then, out of respect for my family, my identity will remain anonymous, but my madness definitely won't.
I don't think being anonymous is so bad. Most bloggers I know are. But I've been on the internet since it was invented, pretty much, and I've always used my real name.
ReplyDeleteMy family history is similar to yours, but all I have left are two sisters who approve of my being "out" about my disorder. I think that's partly because I'm helping others.